COMING OUT: Epilogue on my Asperger’s Syndrome (Personal Entry)

(<600 words)

The burden is all on me to continue the (Genki) family lineage (Continued)

But in our family's branch, the burden is on me to continue the family name. With Asperger's, the prospects of marrying and having a family is dimmer, but the possibility is ever-present, as Andie Spry's father has Asperger's and is married with kids. I was once told online that the odds of someone with Autism marrying was 1-in-11, but hopefully they were only referring to regular Autism and not Asperger's.

How big my trust issues have gotten with Asperger's

The way people have manipulated me and took advantage of my awkward social skills caused me to have big trust issues. This is mostly with new people, but also a few people whom I've known for a while.

In fact, my trust issues have grown so much that I even once called a bluff on a "Road Closed" sign. I had a job interview to go to and the road leading up to the highway was barricaded off. I thought, "On this day, of ALL days? This is a CLASSIC hallmark of bad luck! I'm not buying it!" Not being able to see road construction on the horizon ensured that I wasn't going to. I went around the barricade, and the road looked alright for about two miles.

I also thought, "Maybe they finished road construction YESTERDAY or THIS MORNING and haven't bothered to remove the sign yet." Then I saw another "Road Closed" barrier and the pavement ahead of me stripped bare. They were indeed still doing construction, and gave me the "Turn Around" hand motion.

I guess that bad luck was self-made. Luckily, I happened to borrow Mom's GPS device and calculated the closest detour to the highway. I still made it to the interview, albeit just 7 minutes early, which is a close shave in that circumstance. (I was hoping for about 15.)

EPILOGUE

There is a silver lining to everything. There has to be. Some are just trickier to find than others. At least Andie Spry already knew that "all geniuses have people problems." When so many famous luminaries have or are speculated to have Asperger's, this strengthens hopes for my prospects in life. From this, I know I have lots of potential; I just have to use all of it.

My drive to be able to interact and build relationships like and with normal people remains as vigorous as ever. There remains hope that someday, I will have more connections than I have ever dreamed of, to better lots in life, just so long as I keep trying to polish my skills with people. I know I may never be a good fit in a customer support position, but look at where Bill Gates, Thomas Edison, and other luminaries landed in their lives, even with their social setbacks.

Thomas Edison didn't even go to college, but his perseverance paid off. As I have been going to college, I consider myself luckier than Edison when he was my age, so if I have Edison's potential, and am going to college now, then I have the potential to make a far bigger change in the fabric of humanity than Edison ever did.

It takes determination to be somebody, and not just a cog in the machine. Believe me, I have already tried to be various cogs in various machines, and they pretty much didn't work well. I want to be the whole machine, and if I am determined enough, I will become that.

Famous people with Asperger's: http://www.disabled-world.com/artman/publish/article_2086.shtml

COMING OUT: Being more comfortable as a follower than a leader with Asperger’s, and continuing the (Genki) family name (Part X) (Personal Entry)

Social skills-enhancing clubs (Continued)

Whereas some colleges have clubs about Autism (and Asperger's,) K-State doesn't. I don't think I have the clout and leadership skills to start a new one. New clubs require five members to join, and I wouldn't be able to figure out who else on campus has my disorder. (Out of 22,000+ students, this would be a monumental task.)

Fraternities are “clubs” where members socially enhance themselves with one another, but I have not joined a fraternity, one of the reasons being because I need to already have a prerequisite level of social skills in order to join in the first place. What fraternity will accept anybody with Asperger’s Syndrome?

I have been more comfortable as a follower than a leader

I still am, although ironically enough, I took two leadership classes that I got a "B" and an "A" in.

Leadership embodies social skills so thoroughly I'm unsure how I'd comfortably fit as a leader. A follower doesn't get far in life, hence is the reason why I took those leadership classes. They raised my GPA average, but may not do much else.

If I were a higher power who decided on what order of siblings Autistics/Aspies should be in, I would opt to only make them the youngest children of the family. They would fare better since they would rely on older siblings to teach them all the necessary social skills.

This didn't happen to me; I was the oldest in the family and had no brothers. Many people have had the great fortune to be born into larger families. What if I was the youngest of 10 children? I believe I would be in a far better spot in life than I am now, because I was never a natural born leader.

Tim Allen was the youngest of 7, and look where that landed him!

For all we know, I could have become a great comedian if I was the youngest of 10. All vestiges of Asperger's Syndrome could have possibly been counteracted by the fact that I would have had 9 older siblings to learn everything from.

Have you ever heard of any youngest sibling of 5 or more who was Autistic/an Aspie, and very much remained one? Neither have I. When I hear of Autistic children, I don't hear of them being the youngest in large families. (Please prove me wrong if you know otherwise.) This is probably because these children who would have otherwise been Autistic/an Aspie became so blessed by the influence of their siblings' social skills that any vestige of Autism/Asperger's would have been erased.

Moreover, by the time I'm college-aged, I'd get to live in my brother's or sister's apartment when I start college, therefore my rent would only be a fraction of what I'm paying in reality. I wouldn't have to seek out strangers as potential roommates, something only mostly non-Aspies are good at.

Finally, if I landed in financial straits, my siblings would help me out. (Not necessarily by monetary handouts, as that would be asking too much, but probably by taking me in to live with them until I could pay my own rent again.)

But I'm the oldest of three, two of them being sisters aged 18 and 14. I'm expected to provide for them, when I may not be in the best situation to provide.

The burden is all on me to pass on the (Genki) family lineage

I have no brothers, and my parents cannot produce any more children. I should have begged for a brother when I was 9.

I have no male first cousins with the (Genki) family name. (Uncle Charlie's and Aunt Norma's kid has been put up for adoption, and his surname changed. Also, thanks to his mental health, his prospects of furthering the lineage aren't too bright anyway.)

I wish Uncle Steve would find himself a wife before it's too late because as he works a very successful job as an airport spokesman and lives in an upscale condo, that should catch the admiration of many great women, so he definitely has the potential to marry and have sons. I just wish he'd have the interest.

If I have any male second cousins with the (Genki) family name, I would not know of any, but I believe my great-aunt (grand-aunt?) (Mrs.) Camacho might. I wish she knew whether they were on Facebook so I could friend them as well.

(Continued on the Epilogue)

COMING OUT: A friend I know was a school aide for students with Asperger's, and a personal inspiration (Part IX) (Personal Entry)

Madison happened to teach kids with Autism & Asperger's Syndrome

I met Madison Krehbiel in a volunteer trip to the Katrina-stricken Pass Christian, MS. When we dined at a Waffle House, I had nothing to talk about so I started eating right away. Stacey Novak asked me, "Christian, why aren't you social?"

I had to think of something that didn't give away this personality secret so I told her that "If I talk too much, I won't get to finish my meal by the time everyone else starts to leave." Then Stacey or one of us suggested that we may be able to take food out if we can't finish. I asked a waitress if they gave out take-out boxes and she confirmed.

Madison was particular about my eye-contact, and I later found out why.

Then Madison made a point about my eye-contact (as my eye contact habits were less than stellar at the time.) To save face, I gave another excuse. I told her that as eating causes bad breath, I didn't want my mouth to face them, and to turn my mouth away, I also had to turn my eyes away. I brought up the same situation months later at a "Main Event" (a Navigators campus ministry retreat) and she replied, "Oh, don't worry about that. I accept you for the way you are."

After I returned from the Pass Christian trip and friended every one of us on Facebook, I read that Madison was a Para-educator at Manhattan High School. My first thought was, "She must've deciphered my personality fast; if she works with Aspies, she must've figured out that I am one."

People with Asperger's and Autism generally have trouble with eye contact, and she worked with them, so it was no wonder she was onto me about how I made eye contact.

From my personal experience, teachers who specifically work with autistic/Aspie kids will have their patience worn thin. I was amazed to see that Madison never thinned her patience with me. She was a one-of-a-kind - someone who stays patient with people afflicted with my disorder no matter how "against the flow" they behave socially.

I wish more people were patient and understanding like Madison, especially when they deal with Aspies like me.

More about staying in college with Asperger's

I've stayed in college for well over four years now, and there's a rumor that companies are more reluctant to hire students who took longer to finish college. Faced with that prospect, I can't leave college with all these student loans because there will be no paying them back without a job. Without a job, the only way to keep the student loans off my back is to keep going to college, but continuing college will further lessen my hopes of getting a job.

Faced with this vicious catch-22, I may be looking at staying in college until the Second Coming of Christ. (Or the 2012 Apocalypse, as foretold by a Mayan calendar.)

Many students graduate college with that ticking 6-month time-bomb strapped to their ankle hoping that a new job will defuse that bomb before those six months are up. Other students get a job lined up as long as two semesters before they graduate so they can be guaranteed financial safety from these loans once they're done with school. I will try to get a job offer before graduation, or else I won't graduate.

There is a silver lining to my collegiate predicament: More semesters spent in college mean more opportunities to enhance my social skills. There are ample opportunities to polish how I deal with people while in college, so eventually, my social skill level ought to reach par with a college student's. (As Garrett once said, my social skills are on the high school freshman level. He told me this in Spring 2008, so who knows where I stand now.)

Social skills-enhancing clubs

Toastmasters is one club where I get to enhance my social skills. (Namely, the public communication aspect of it.) I've gotten great, honest, and impartial feedback about how I conduct myself while I took turns speaking to the club.

I wish I knew of other clubs that specifically enhance my social skills, and there are over 350 at K-State, so there could be. Hopefully Disability Support Services may know of a few.

(Continued on Part X)

COMING OUT: A peer support group formed due to my Asperger's Syndrome (Part VIII) (Personal Entry)

(Foreword: I've also tagged the high school Peer Group members. Let me know if I missed anybody.)

I had a Peer Group in high school

Mrs. April Counts, a regional "inclusion consultant" who worked with me and other students in the area with "IEPs" (Individualized Education Programs), thought it would be a good idea to put together a peer group of some of my close friends every Friday during the 30-minute AR (Accelerated Reader) reading period toward the end of Second Hour.

Every week I would bring up issues that troubled me at home, school, or elsewhere, and they would give advice on how to deal with it. Also, they would show me how to deal with a confusing social situation the correct way.

On the first week, they met when I was not present. I don't know whether Mrs. Counts and the counselors told them I had Asperger's, but I'm sure they told them they were meeting to help me with my social issues.

Wishing we had a peer group for longer

I wish high school was more than four years, and that I didn't graduate at semester. At the time, I thought graduating early would show employers that I am a more capable guy than anyone who graduated in May but they must've thought otherwise. Semester graduation was just an ego booster that only winning a scholarship would truly be. I don't know how differently I would have turned out if we had peer group that Spring.

Now in college, assembling a peer group is far harder, so I joined a church where there already is a "peer group" and we can talk about each others' issues there.

The books Andie Spry and Evan Roberts saw

Towards the end of August, Sisters Chelsy Pollock, Patty Harrington and I had a missionary study session. At the end, they asked if I needed anything. I told them to send anyone who could help me unpack, as I needed a LOT of help with that.

Andie Spry and Evan Roberts came to help me unpack. I had realized I kept a lot of books about Asperger's Syndrome so I tried to move as many as I could to a desk drawer. They never said anything for a while.

The following February, Andie brought it up and said that she and Evan saw these books so that's how they knew I had Asperger's. I asked Evan, "How do you know I didn't just keep these books because I wanted to STUDY about Asperger's Syndrome? What if I kept science-fiction books about alien races on other planets? Would that make me an extraterrestrial?" Even replied, "No, of course not, but we also watched out for your sentence structure so we knew from the way you said your sentences."

It was those mid-sentence halts again. As I had mentioned in Part II, I feel compelled to talk as carefully as possible and not let the wrong words slip from my mouth so I have to think in the middle of saying anything when I talk.

Which shaped the way Andie Spry's disposition was to me

Because of her discovery, she decided to be more patronistic towards me. She also examined my notes more closely, shunned the good notes, and only concentrated on whatever agitated her.

She has a brother, Steven (not on Facebook), who has Asperger's (or PDD-NOS, I believe) so she understandably grew thoroughly tired of the way he behaves. Because of that, she expects my intentions not to be the best, and will react in a way that reflects that.

Sure, I made some free-spirited comments about my new church, but she and Rachel (to a lesser degree) were the only ones who got ticked off by them. No one else at church said anything about those comments I made to Facebook. They were either overly polite & kept it to themselves, or truly didn't mind. That's when she snapped hard enough to take me off her friends list and start talking about the Asperger's.

That's when I asked her how she knew about it. She told me the whole book story mentioned earlier in this note, then when laughing, said "So you have Asperger's, don't you?"

Her laugh was the contagious kind that made me laugh, and I regretted that so sorely, I made a plan to be immune to those cruel kinds of laughs next time: In the future, I will think of three principal betrayers in my life flipping me off at once. It worked during rehearsals; their thoughts stifled my laughter every time.

(Continued on Part IX)

COMING OUT: Being socially "tested," and failing them with Asperger's Syndrome (Part VII) (Personal Entry)

Garrett Fine: "You FAILED the test!"

When we were riding back from a school sponsored trip to Unzen National Park in Japan, Shia, Steve, and Dan asked me an array of weird questions in the back of the bus. It was a bunch of uncomfortable sex questions, questions about private parts, my sex life, and so on.

At first, I resisted, saying "I think no one wants to hear anything like what you're asking," but they kept prodding so I eventually gave in and answered. They said I'd make a good comedian, and I felt doubt at that moment. I knew something had to be wrong.

Garrett was nearby so he was able to give some useful feedback. He said they thought I was funny in the "I -can't-believe-you-said-that" type of funny. He also pointed out that they were asking me these questions just to give me a test, and that I had FAILED the test.

I asked why they gave me a test in the first place and Garrett told me because they suspected something wasn't right about the way I was. In other words, I was socially on a different "wavelength" from the one shared by most of the GaiDai students who attended there that semester. Those three guys wanted to know how different my wavelength was so they gave me that test.

Now I remember similar tests given to me in high school (and possibly middle school.) I remember Cody Knutson, Brandon Wuthnow, and a few other wrestling teammates asking me a similar set of questions and I don't know how the immediate aftermath went but I was not in a better position after the fact than before. (Note: I have not found Cody and Brandon on Facebook.)

But from now on, if I'm asked a similar set of questions to what they were asked, I'll know I'm being tested and will simply refuse to answer, and keep trying to change the subject.

One girl just left me for another guy. I figured out why later.

One time in high school, Brittany Deese met me in "The City" teen hangout in Salina and decided to have a phone/email relationship. (This was a few years before Facebook, and a recent search did not turn up a Brittany Deese from Salina, KS.)

When one of her emails said she fell asleep at a Star Wars movie (Episode II), I had realized she may not be the right girl for me. But I kept going on because it would have been far too shallow of me to break up over how she liked Star Wars.

Eventually, she said over the phone that she has found another boyfriend, and that we can still be friends. I couldn't figure it out for a while. Then I realized that I don't seem to give off the right "charm" that other guys can give.

What guys have that girls like, that I lack

There is just much that is unexplainable here, but some that I can explain is that guys who have a common sense of humor date well with girls. They know how to make witty remarks, replies, and other clever ways to wiggle out of a tense situation. The ideal guy knows how to turn a high-strung event into a relaxed situation that we can even laugh about one minute after the fact. What college class will train me to do that in such an event??

Overall, even though guys should generally stay interesting to their partners, the right partner will always find me interesting. Whenever I finish college, I will embark on a vigorous journey to find me the right woman.

For children with Asperger's, life is easier today than when I was a child

At first, I did not want to marry a woman with Asperger's because I did not want my children to go through the same miseries I've gone through, but more people are becoming aware of the various forms of Autism. Also, there are now more and better programs, IEPs, and other therapies for children afflicted this way, than there was when I was a child.

Therefore, whether my future wife has Asperger's or not will no longer have any bearing on whether I want to marry and bear children with her, as life for children with Asperger's today is easier than when I was a child.

(To be continued on Part VIII)

COMING OUT: Having Asperger's Syndrome can get expensive. (Part VI) (Personal Entry)

Having Asperger's can get expensive

You see, with Asperger's, no one (as far as I could tell) wants to be my roommate. I also was hit with a second misfortune of never having a brother. Moreover, my nearest sister is 6 years my junior.

Now, when people have roommates, their rent is generally cheaper because it is diluted amongst them all. Instead of, for example, $400 per month, three roommates only need to pay $133.33 per month. I, on the other hand, have a one-bedroom apartment that is $345 before gas. (At least that is the only utility I pay.)

Maybe I should just keep having interviews to become somebody's roommate because after all, doesn't Practice Make Perfect? (Persistence Makes Perfect as well. Remember how many attempts Edison made on his light bulb?)

Especially without a real income to live on

I think having Asperger's is an admittance on the same caliber as admitting the income I get. This is, I suppose, where the jerks are weeded out. Since job interviews practically embody social skills, it's harder for me to land a job. I've practically been in a recession all my life, and this recession makes it like a full-fledged economic depression for me.

Job recruiters/interviewers aren't programmed to have sympathy; they're programmed on finding what applicants can bring to the company. Telling them about my Syndrome will just fan the flames of rejection. (Even though inside, I hope they have sympathy so I'm tempted to tell them, but I've kept myself from doing so.)

Being unable to persuade the employer to land me employment is why I receive SSI at $674 per month. Since my rent + utilities are over half my income, I also rely on student loan refunds to live reasonably. At any rate, SSI is not a respectable form of income (unless I was blind, an amputee, or someone horrifically obviously disabled.)

Student loan refunds didn't earn me one certain friend

This was proven when I told "Sierra Saxtone Koopa" (name changed; class of '04, and Lindsey Altwegg Snider's mutual friend) that I was living off of student loan refunds because "since I'll be leaving for Japan soon, I can't get a job now so I live off of student loan refunds for the time being," she thought something was fishy. (I did not want to admit my SSI, my real form of income, to her. I hated to imagine what she would think.) I could surmise this because even though we ended on a good note at the Target parking lot in the February of '08, I later sent her a friend request and she refused. I asked her what was wrong, if there were any false rumors, misconstruals, or anything she heard wrong about me, and she never responded. That's why I'll try again whenever I land a real, respectable job, because maybe she only friends people who are employed.

Either the Apocalypse or the Navy will take care of them

The student loans are so over the roof now, I just hope the Mayan 2012 date is indeed the start of the apocalypse, so I can see my loans destroyed with Sallie Mae while I live in a bomb shelter somewhere. Failing that, I hope to get my bill of health cleaned enough so that I can join the Navy and have them pay my loans through my serving.

"Being yourself is the only way to be"

That is what Andie Spry (Evan Roberts's fiancé) told me. But a 10-year-old also acts like himself. The only catch is, he still has much to improve on. At least he's at the PHYSICAL age where his immaturities are largely forgiven and let slid.

I can't possibly be older than 17 - socially and emotionally, with this syndrome. So I wish to look the age that I am social. Sister Lisa Enrico suggested drinking lots of water to flush out the toxins that make me look older. She also suggested Oil of Olay. (There is probably no men's version.)

So acting this way while looking my true age is what I fear will make me look foolish.

I also feel tempted to act different only to anyone who would hate me for being my true self. But people say that could cause problems if the other people I act like my true self around, cross paths.

To repeat what I said on Part V, how about I take a drama class!

(Continued on Part VII)

COMING OUT: Engaging in "Pretend Stupidity" in middle & early high school with Asperger's Syndrome. (Part V) (Personal Entry)

Engaging in "Pretend Stupidity" in Middle & early High School

So I was made fun of for being smart. (Intelligent-smart, not smart-alecky-smart.) Observing other middle-schoolers and some high-schoolers, they appeared to act stupid pretty often. Apparently they were engaging in "pretend stupidity" in middle school probably because it was a funny hobby to do to each other. "Pretend Stupidity" appeared to be in vogue and the trend of the time. I observed this until the latter half of high school.

Then in 8th grade, I tried to do what they did. That's when Jeremy Dossett (not on Facebook) and others started to think I was genuinely "retarded." ("Retard" and its conjugates are less socially correct words this decade as opposed to the last. The more polite term now is "developmentally delayed." That is specifically in the academic/intellectual sense.)

Apparently I didn't get the delivery right, and/or nobody expected ME to start acting this way. I just attempted new ways to fit in. My pretentiously acting delayed must've seemed too real to the classmates; the delivery was wrong enough that these acts didn't come off as jokes nor any other attempt at humor, but genuine acts. If only I had known about "delivery" back then.

As many say, "It's not What you say, but HOW you say it!"

If my deliveries seem too real, why not take up theatrics?

Now that I think of it, if the way I pretended looked TOO REAL, then maybe I should minor in Drama! I am not interested in acting on-stage, but in front of a camera. On-stage is one-take acting, and I'm in no mood to preserve mistakes.

I hope I can find drama classes at a community college, because due to financial reasons, this is likely my last semester at K-State. (Note: Draft typed on 1-26-2009; published at a later date.) I hope I can find any drama class that'll only let me act on cameras, not at a live audience.

Annoyed at things said that goes without saying? Why?

When Garrett and Derek talked with me in a sulfured hot-tub in an Unzen onsen, I tried to tell them that I jumped in the tub really fast, letting go of the towel wrapped around me, so they wouldn't have a chance to see what shouldn't be seen. They tried to interrupt me with anything else, but I thought, "What, is what I'm about to say embarrassing? They're not making sense."

Then I managed to get it all said, and they said I didn't need to say that because they knew themselves why I did it, so it went without saying. They also sounded annoyed, so why'd they feel annoyed by that? Many people don't. Is it because they felt like I insulted their intelligence?

Not possible to read minds, you know.

If I met someone from Harvard, but didn't yet KNOW they were at Harvard, I could talk in ways that seem normal to students in normal colleges, but that would come off to a Harvard student as an insult to their intelligence, and they may still feel perturbed whether I knew they were going to Harvard or not. I would not have had a chance to interact with him correctly because I didn't have a chance beforehand to know he was going to Harvard.

You see, some social situations are like stepping on landmines that you couldn't detect. Making faux-pas on others without knowing in advance that it's a faux-pas to them is something I grow to hate more & more, the more they happen. Unfortunately for Aspies like myself, they will happen more often, and when we're more sensitive than others, that causes us emotional harm to virtually no end. We're told to "grow thick skin," but we have more skin to need to thicken than you do, so it'll take longer.

Someone who works with Auties & Aspies probably recognized the signs by now.

Madison, when you first met me, you must have recognized a lot of the signs of Asperger’s when you got to know me. I suppose you didn’t voice your suspicions because you knew I’d feel uncomfortable about it back then. To that you have my gratitude. I suppose if my hair wasn’t so long in the Pass Christian trip, I wouldn’t have acted so insecure. (I only realized it was time for a haircut after I left for the trip.)

Now that I have openly admitted the Syndrome to the public here, Madison, how do you feel about this “coming out” of mine? Do you think this was the right thing to do?

(Continued on Part VI)

COMING OUT: Conversational "Delivery" and Adjusting to new environments with Asperger's Syndrome. (Part IV) (Personal Entry)

Conversational "Delivery"

John Braaten once said, "It's all in the 'delivery'." This was his answer to a question about why my results weren't as good even if I told the same exact joke someone else did, who got better laughs when they said it.

Another source said, "It's not what you say, it's HOW you say it."

Conversation Delivery seems like such a foreign concept to Aspies. I really wish delivery didn't matter.

Also something is said about "timing" when making jokes or saying certain anythings. What's that deal here? Do you wait two seconds between telling the question and answer? Or is it something entirely on a different league from what I'm thinking?

Since I could never manage to get this concept right, I have grown to hate "delivery" so much. Yet, I still have to master it because I believe it still matters at a Job Interview.

I still like the other kind though - delivering pizza or other meals at your door. You just gotta get the right toppings, ingredients, choices as requested, and the correct address. Timing matters too in that "If you don't get it in 30 minutes, it's on the house!" (It used to be until some delivery driver ran a red light and killed a pedestrian. Now they just expect it in a reasonable amount of time.)

If only Conversational delivery were THAT easy. I think I'd learn how to deliver from a FIVE-STAR, $100/plate restaurant before getting by fine with the conversational one.

Adjusting to new environments

College was such a wholly new environment for me. I might as well have set foot off-world. It's hard enough for neurotypicals (what we call "normal people") to adjust to college, and plenty of them fail out, but it was harder for me and other Aspies newly in college.

Getting rescued from the brink of dismissal

There were so many new distractions in college and completely different ways to go through our academics. That's mostly why I failed all my classes in my first fall in college.

I only stayed at K-State because I pleaded my Asperger's case to Ray Hightower (an engineering dean since retired,) gave him a prepared essay about my situation, along with website printouts of lists of world-famous people diagnosed with Asperger's, or would've been diagnosed with it had they lived in our time. Mozart, Gates, Newton, and other famous luminaries were on this list.

I told him that if I'm given reasonable accommodation at K-State, even I may end up on such a list one day. The accommodation I shared about was of the PILOTS program that I didn't have a chance to join when I heard of it in October, because it was already full. The idea is for new students to "fly through" college rather than just drag.

After he arranged for all my classes to get withdrawn, I enrolled in 7 credit hours worth of classes the following Spring, and got in the PILOTS program. The results were an improvement.

Persistent Present-day Adjustment Difficulties

So much of college was so new and different, in some areas, I still have trouble adjusting to them to this day. There are plenty of people here who expect TOO MUCH from anyone whom they interact with (in terms of social skills, at least) so I eventually couldn't get along with them. When these expectations aren't met, it's "quite a crash" like Garrett put it. Some of these crashes are even harder than they would've been in high school.

Also when I "crash" a person, starting from college mostly, people hold longer grudges. That's something I still have trouble adjusting to. Sure, people have said "kids are cruel," but in the short-term sense they are. They don't keep at it for as long as our cruelties are.

Dealing with long grudges

Since grudges from college can last many years, I've felt compelled to try harder to resolve conflicts after failing. In certain cases, it leads to bigger failures, but that grows this positive feedback loop into a snowball effect. For years I've kept trying harder to end my source of misery (by reasoning with them, etc.) if my initial attempts have failed.

This tactic worked before. I have a feeling it won't as much as it used to, so I'd have to try another strategy.

Whatever that strategy is which leaves both sides a winner, is something I'd love to learn about.

(Continued on Part V)

COMING OUT: Not getting subtle nuances of conversations with Asperger's Syndrome. (Part III) (Personal Entry)

Not getting subtle nuances of conversations

TMI'ing Robert

Craig once told me I TMI'd Robert while talking in his room when Robert passed by. I haven’t noticed subtle body gestures indicating this, and Craig pointed out there were some gestures Robert made. He described these, but I forgot them now. It would be nice if Craig reminds me what those gestures were.

Not getting "Alphonse's" hints

"Alphonse Sleevehardy" once said when I tried to explain why I didn't want to tell my age, and how "manning up" was less mandatory in Japan, he said when he didn't look me in the eye because he felt uncomfortable, I didn't get any of that.

Although I didn't notice nor even think of it then, if I DID notice, I would've gotten furious of his attempt to intimidate me into not finishing my sentence. I’m insistent on finishing what I need to talk about plenty of times. To intimidatingly cut me off before finishing makes me feel like a sheep! I would feel like the "smaller person" if I bowed to that sort of intimidation, and that would lower my self-esteem. It’s been low enough from plenty of other happenings in life.

Any other situation

I don't know how often I was in a conversation where the other people gave off subtle, non-verbal hints indicating certain thoughts, that I didn't pick up. Anyone who reads this who has spoken to me face-to-face ought to point out what these were, when the conversation happened, and what the topic was.

"Dietrich Humvee's" head-turning

After the Strawser note got deleted by Facebook Staff, I saw on “Notifications” that "Dietrich Humvee" replied to it. I never got to see it, now that it was gone, so I asked "Dietrich" in a Japanese Seminars class what his comment said. While asking the question, he turned his head away for four seconds and I thought that seemed sudden and weird.

He answered "Don't worry about it. You can ask later." I did, somewhere else either a few hours later or the next day. He said "Don't worry about it" again. Evidently, the note was nothing friendly and he got second thoughts, so was relieved that I never got to read it.

I asked a few months later what it means to turn their head away like that. This was one of the eight answers (thus far,) in the link: http://www.answerbag.com/a_view/4449725

From learning that, to show how much I hate to bow to that form of intimidation, I plan to reposition myself as quickly as they turn away so they’ll still see me while I finish my sentence.

Job Interviews with Asperger's

I feel that I could pass Diff-E-Q (Differential Equations; a class after Calc III here at K-State) sooner than learn how to pass interviews with job offers.

If I was as cautious as I could be at a job interview so that my Aspie traits wouldn't leak out, the interviewers may realize I have something to hide, and not hire me based on that suspicion.

If I wasn't as cautious, and therefore didn't approach it like half the exam that Craig said was how I approached any social situation, then signs of my Aspergers would leak out as fast as water through a net and there’d raise too many obvious reasons not to hire me.

This makes job interviews a catch-22, and I'd be lucky if I could get an interview in the first place. I might not act confident because I'm afraid of not getting the job, being more sensitive to rejection and all, and they may not hire me because I don't show enough confidence. When there's another catch-22 within a catch-22, that just makes job hunting feel all the more hopeless. Sure, some could say I ought to pretend to look confident, but I’ve heard that pretending to be someone you're not will spring a leak - a leak of the true you, that is.

I've been to mock interviews, and will keep going to them to stamp out every last kink that comes up. I don't know how long this’ll take.

Anyway, my chances ought to be brighter now (even if a little) because I took an "under-the-table" English tutoring job in Japan. To have exercised leadership on a job and teach, is probably something any employer would want to see on my resume. I may even be placed on a quicker track to a management position.

(Next topic continued on Part IV)

COMING OUT: Gestures, sounds, etc. I give off with Asperger's Syndrome (Part II) (Personal Entry)

Gestures, sounds, etc. I give off with Asperger's

The way I sound & make gestures

I don’t know why K-Staters haven’t told me what Garrett has, (Please, K-Staters, WHY NOT? I hope to hear from you about this!) but Garrett was the first one who told me I sounded grating when I halt in mid-sentence while talking, thinking of the next words to say. Craig made a similar remark – “too considered.” I act too careful about what I’m about to say. When I make those pauses, I don’t even think about them; it’s something that operates from my sub-conscience.

But when I think about it, it's because I don't ”Walt some-sing Ron to comb outer my mouse”. I'm afraid that if I speak too fast without thinking of what I'm about to say, something wrong and unwanted will come out of my mouth, roughly like the above example. Garrett also said I sounded like William Shatner with my mid-sentence halts, but at least Shatner is confident when he speaks.

Well, not having enough confidence comes from having Asperger's. I too often expect to socially fumble now. Craig said I "appear to approach EVERY social situation like a big (pl)ucking exam." Many social situations do feel like exams when one has to carry around Asperger's for life. If I fail, I could make enemies; those enmities could be life-long.

The gestures

Garrett pointed out my gestures like no K-Stater has thus far! My hand/arm movements may not match my inner feelings. (Once, he said "That annoys the hell outta me.") Also, the bigger deal was the way I tilted my head at times.

If I made like a 45º lean with my head, he'd do the same just to show its awkwardness. Why haven’t peers from home said or done anything similar long ago!? (To that, Garrett said a K-Stater probably just remained polite, hurried to finish talking, and got out of there quickly. K-Staters, do you concur?)

Not only do I not know how to give off the right body gestures for particular situations, I may not notice what others' body gestures mean, and what feelings this reflects. Some nonverbal hints that I'd need to take may be too subtle to notice.

Confidence

First impressions impact the most. They shape the opinion someone will have of you for the rest of your life, for a long time, or at least for a good while. I know how a bad first impression hurts so when I meet new people, it becomes like an exam.

Whereas some may think, "Ah, I sound tense when I meet new people, too. He'll calm down after we know each other better," others may, "This guy's too nervous. Wonder what he's got to hide?! Probably something I'd hate to hear. Or is he just chicken, one of the least brave souls I've met?"

It's that I had something to hide for a long time - once again my Asperger's.

Ultimately, sooner or later, signs of my Asperger's eventually leak out. Being confident and more relaxed (more relaxed = less careful) about how I socialize would/may just leak those Asperger's traits even faster.

That's why I want to wear a mask

Which is why I love ski-masks so much. As goes without saying, it's only appropriate when cold out. I have better confidence talking to people with a ski mask on because if I make a social faux-pas, they'll not remember my face. (My voice can sound like many others' voices.) Since some can tell who I am just by the way my eyes look, I plan to wear it with sunglasses.

It only works outside. Other people will think I'm weird and possibly up to no good if I keep a ski mask on indoors! It's only appropriate indoors on Halloween.

What I love to do on Halloween

Halloween is a great time to go to a party because I'll wear a hooded phantom robe that keeps my face behind a mesh so nobody outside sees it. This way, I ask and tell others all sorts of things that I wouldn't say while my face is shown. Sure, other people may ask/say the same things in normal circumstances, but they're usually confident that it won't turn out to be a mistake, or will shrug it off easily if it is.

Halloween is like the "Real-Life Honesty Box." (If you don't have the application, see it at http://www.facebook.com/apps/application.php?id=2552096927 )

(Next topic continued on Part III)

COMING OUT: I have hid my Asperger's Syndrome all along. (Part I) (Personal Entry)

Foreword

Some will think "TL;DR" if the note is too long, therefore I’ll limit each installment to 750 words and place the overflow in a "Part II" and beyond.

This note stayed private until I gained my 560th friend on Facebook. I chose 560 as the threshold instead of 500 because now that I've surpassed such a wonderful milestone, I don't want to slip back below it.

Passive pruning of narrow-minded "friends"

I predict up to a classroom’s amount of friends will defriend me upon reading my admission that I have Asperger's. This note is a form of "passive friend pruning." I'll let narrow-minded individuals take me off of their list because I don't need narrow-minded people in my life; if they cannot accept me especially for what I was born with, they were likely to be a hindrance all along anyway.

Date of Draft Creation

I started the entry on Monday morning, September 8, 2008, underwent revisions thereafter, and saved it as a "Draft" until somebody became my 560th friend here.

Onto the subject at hand

For quite a long time now, I've hesitated revealing my Asperger's Syndrome to other people save for psychologists, (some) family members, and very few friends. The reason why was because I've been bitten for it multiple times.

I'd often be treated worse for revealing it

Instead of cutting me slack, some peers would pick on me more, so I kept it under wraps until I knowing someone whom I thought I could trust with this information. Some of those people still liked me less even though I was confident their stance toward me would either get better, or at least remain unchanged.

Therefore, I haven't revealed it to even some of my best friends, fearing being liked less by them as well. I had no idea how Kyle Baack and Jacob Holland would react to my coming forward with this "new development" so I kept it from them as well for a long time. Now that they'll have seen this note, I hope to hear from them their reactions.

Issues surrounding Asperger’s in Japan

Another set of guys helped me a lot back in Japan - Garrett Fine and Craig Henry. (It is quite likely that Garrett will have taken me off his friends list by the time I posted this. If so, he'll have missed out!) Every little inkling of rejection from anyone anywhere hurt still, so I kept it from them (Unsure about Garrett; maybe Armstrong told him while I wasn't present?) in case they were going to like me less.

I only told Andrew Armstrong (the guy with a shouldered chip) and Robert Hyde because I was drunk enough not to care one night. (Since Japan, drinking at parties isn’t so appealing now.) Hyde said Asperger’s was a "beautiful disease" and sounded quite accepting about it. He even said geniuses have Asperger’s too, and something about Asperger's makes them more academically intelligent than the norm, so I had hidden talents too. (Yes, I do.)

Showe's "Tatemae"

Garrett warned me about the concept of "Tatemae" (outer, shown feelings) and "Honne," (inner, true feelings.) It turned out Hyde was only giving me good tatemae.

“Ronald” (name changed) even took me off his friends list in June for some reason; when I told him about my finding this out, he claimed that his sister called him (All the way from Britain?? How about a free Facebook message?) He said she called just to tell him to take off another guy named "Christian" because the fiancé betrayed her. Since he said he was so drunk early in the morning, he deleted me by mistake. “Ronald” even showed me who the other Christian was he talked about so he sounded quite believable in the meantime.

“Showe” also claimed to have realized the mistake a few minutes later, and thought, "Oh, if I send him a request to add him back now, he'll realize I took him off." After (apparently) clearing it up, I friended him again; he accepted.

“Showe” took me off again on August 7th. He knew that I've left Japan (and he stayed for 2-3 more weeks until returning to the UK,) so I couldn’t go face-to-face about it. I decided that he harbored some inner ill feeling of me, and since now he'd be on the other side of the world, I'd let him slide.

(Next Topic Continued on Part II)

COMING OUT: I have hid my Asperger’s Syndrome all along (150-word Preface) (Personal Entry)

Preface

All along, you may have noticed that I cannot react to numerous social situations properly or something about me is not on the same “wavelength” with people in general. The cause of that is Asperger’s Syndrome. With it, I cannot deal with people much like normal people can, and from it came numerous social mistakes.

The many faux pas I have committed have caused me much emotional turmoil in my life. Some of you still harbor some negative emotions toward me because of my past faux-pas towards you. Some of you (if you read this anyhow,) even took me off of your friends list because I committed an unintended social mistake; something you didn't appreciate.

However, there are some advantages to having Asperger’s, one of which is greater academic prowess. Bill Gates, Isaac Newton, and many other luminaries either have it or were speculated to.

(Continued on Part I)