Saturday, July 25, 2009

COMING OUT: Engaging in "Pretend Stupidity" in middle & early high school with Asperger's Syndrome. (Part V) (Personal Entry)

Engaging in "Pretend Stupidity" in Middle & early High School

So I was made fun of for being smart. (Intelligent-smart, not smart-alecky-smart.) Observing other middle-schoolers and some high-schoolers, they appeared to act stupid pretty often. Apparently they were engaging in "pretend stupidity" in middle school probably because it was a funny hobby to do to each other. "Pretend Stupidity" appeared to be in vogue and the trend of the time. I observed this until the latter half of high school.

Then in 8th grade, I tried to do what they did. That's when Jeremy Dossett (not on Facebook) and others started to think I was genuinely "retarded." ("Retard" and its conjugates are less socially correct words this decade as opposed to the last. The more polite term now is "developmentally delayed." That is specifically in the academic/intellectual sense.)

Apparently I didn't get the delivery right, and/or nobody expected ME to start acting this way. I just attempted new ways to fit in. My pretentiously acting delayed must've seemed too real to the classmates; the delivery was wrong enough that these acts didn't come off as jokes nor any other attempt at humor, but genuine acts. If only I had known about "delivery" back then.

As many say, "It's not What you say, but HOW you say it!"

If my deliveries seem too real, why not take up theatrics?

Now that I think of it, if the way I pretended looked TOO REAL, then maybe I should minor in Drama! I am not interested in acting on-stage, but in front of a camera. On-stage is one-take acting, and I'm in no mood to preserve mistakes.

I hope I can find drama classes at a community college, because due to financial reasons, this is likely my last semester at K-State. (Note: Draft typed on 1-26-2009; published at a later date.) I hope I can find any drama class that'll only let me act on cameras, not at a live audience.

Annoyed at things said that goes without saying? Why?

When Garrett and Derek talked with me in a sulfured hot-tub in an Unzen onsen, I tried to tell them that I jumped in the tub really fast, letting go of the towel wrapped around me, so they wouldn't have a chance to see what shouldn't be seen. They tried to interrupt me with anything else, but I thought, "What, is what I'm about to say embarrassing? They're not making sense."

Then I managed to get it all said, and they said I didn't need to say that because they knew themselves why I did it, so it went without saying. They also sounded annoyed, so why'd they feel annoyed by that? Many people don't. Is it because they felt like I insulted their intelligence?

Not possible to read minds, you know.

If I met someone from Harvard, but didn't yet KNOW they were at Harvard, I could talk in ways that seem normal to students in normal colleges, but that would come off to a Harvard student as an insult to their intelligence, and they may still feel perturbed whether I knew they were going to Harvard or not. I would not have had a chance to interact with him correctly because I didn't have a chance beforehand to know he was going to Harvard.

You see, some social situations are like stepping on landmines that you couldn't detect. Making faux-pas on others without knowing in advance that it's a faux-pas to them is something I grow to hate more & more, the more they happen. Unfortunately for Aspies like myself, they will happen more often, and when we're more sensitive than others, that causes us emotional harm to virtually no end. We're told to "grow thick skin," but we have more skin to need to thicken than you do, so it'll take longer.

Someone who works with Auties & Aspies probably recognized the signs by now.

Madison, when you first met me, you must have recognized a lot of the signs of Asperger’s when you got to know me. I suppose you didn’t voice your suspicions because you knew I’d feel uncomfortable about it back then. To that you have my gratitude. I suppose if my hair wasn’t so long in the Pass Christian trip, I wouldn’t have acted so insecure. (I only realized it was time for a haircut after I left for the trip.)

Now that I have openly admitted the Syndrome to the public here, Madison, how do you feel about this “coming out” of mine? Do you think this was the right thing to do?

(Continued on Part VI)

1 comment:

  1. What about TV and film classes?

    A woman named Anemone of Canada has a few things about them.

    Genius with a Parachute

    She describes her own experiences over the years.