Thursday, July 23, 2009

COMING OUT: Not getting subtle nuances of conversations with Asperger's Syndrome. (Part III) (Personal Entry)

Not getting subtle nuances of conversations

TMI'ing Robert

Craig once told me I TMI'd Robert while talking in his room when Robert passed by. I haven’t noticed subtle body gestures indicating this, and Craig pointed out there were some gestures Robert made. He described these, but I forgot them now. It would be nice if Craig reminds me what those gestures were.

Not getting "Alphonse's" hints

"Alphonse Sleevehardy" once said when I tried to explain why I didn't want to tell my age, and how "manning up" was less mandatory in Japan, he said when he didn't look me in the eye because he felt uncomfortable, I didn't get any of that.

Although I didn't notice nor even think of it then, if I DID notice, I would've gotten furious of his attempt to intimidate me into not finishing my sentence. I’m insistent on finishing what I need to talk about plenty of times. To intimidatingly cut me off before finishing makes me feel like a sheep! I would feel like the "smaller person" if I bowed to that sort of intimidation, and that would lower my self-esteem. It’s been low enough from plenty of other happenings in life.

Any other situation

I don't know how often I was in a conversation where the other people gave off subtle, non-verbal hints indicating certain thoughts, that I didn't pick up. Anyone who reads this who has spoken to me face-to-face ought to point out what these were, when the conversation happened, and what the topic was.

"Dietrich Humvee's" head-turning

After the Strawser note got deleted by Facebook Staff, I saw on “Notifications” that "Dietrich Humvee" replied to it. I never got to see it, now that it was gone, so I asked "Dietrich" in a Japanese Seminars class what his comment said. While asking the question, he turned his head away for four seconds and I thought that seemed sudden and weird.

He answered "Don't worry about it. You can ask later." I did, somewhere else either a few hours later or the next day. He said "Don't worry about it" again. Evidently, the note was nothing friendly and he got second thoughts, so was relieved that I never got to read it.

I asked a few months later what it means to turn their head away like that. This was one of the eight answers (thus far,) in the link:

From learning that, to show how much I hate to bow to that form of intimidation, I plan to reposition myself as quickly as they turn away so they’ll still see me while I finish my sentence.

Job Interviews with Asperger's

I feel that I could pass Diff-E-Q (Differential Equations; a class after Calc III here at K-State) sooner than learn how to pass interviews with job offers.

If I was as cautious as I could be at a job interview so that my Aspie traits wouldn't leak out, the interviewers may realize I have something to hide, and not hire me based on that suspicion.

If I wasn't as cautious, and therefore didn't approach it like half the exam that Craig said was how I approached any social situation, then signs of my Aspergers would leak out as fast as water through a net and there’d raise too many obvious reasons not to hire me.

This makes job interviews a catch-22, and I'd be lucky if I could get an interview in the first place. I might not act confident because I'm afraid of not getting the job, being more sensitive to rejection and all, and they may not hire me because I don't show enough confidence. When there's another catch-22 within a catch-22, that just makes job hunting feel all the more hopeless. Sure, some could say I ought to pretend to look confident, but I’ve heard that pretending to be someone you're not will spring a leak - a leak of the true you, that is.

I've been to mock interviews, and will keep going to them to stamp out every last kink that comes up. I don't know how long this’ll take.

Anyway, my chances ought to be brighter now (even if a little) because I took an "under-the-table" English tutoring job in Japan. To have exercised leadership on a job and teach, is probably something any employer would want to see on my resume. I may even be placed on a quicker track to a management position.

(Next topic continued on Part IV)

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