Tuesday, April 15, 2008

I entered adulthood too early (Personal entry)

I am so ashamed of my age; I do not even want to tell it to most people anymore. Maybe if I know them well and/or have gotten comfortable with them, then I may share my age.

I may be fine academically, but in other ways, I am nowhere near ready to be an adult yet. I hate it; absolutely abhor adulthood. You see, some people have “skeletons in their closet.” Common ones are homosexuality, a specific fetish that they’re ashamed to reveal to casual friends, and even close friends. The skeleton in my closet is that I prefer more of anything from childhood than adulthood.

Adulthood is very depressing right now, and when I pass some playgrounds and other things I would have had the time of my life with as a kid, my inner child just pounds at the inside of my body to break out and go play. I sometimes practically chomp at the bit to go play on a playground, read a children’s book, and other childish things but I would look so darn foolish. I keep stabbing myself (figuratively, all right?) for not being born later, preferably in the nice, round year of 2000! Those shoes that extend and retract rollerblades- not many stores carry my size (11 ½ - 12). When I was a kid, these retracting rollerblades weren’t even invented yet. I had a deprived childhood.

More depriving was the fact that for several summers, I didn’t go to any significant summer camps, and I went to one “Webster conference center” for only 3 days at a time and that was the only camp I went to. For several summers, I didn’t go on any out-of-state vacations either. My town was too small. Why didn’t I grow up in the kid-friendlier Korea or Japan, where I am now? It was possible for my father to transfer to any of the bases there. I would’ve had a far better childhood that way. It was too boring and I never got enough out of my childhood. Dad didn’t let me join Boy Scouts because he thought the counselors were going to mistreat me. He should’ve maybe sat in on some Boy Scout sessions or something and observe. Then if I hated Boy Scouts, then I’d have let him know and he would have gotten me out of it.

I have a novel in progress right now about a planned Second Childhood. I intend to follow exactly how the novel goes when the Holoroom arrives in a few decades. Let’s hope that it arrives in the 2020s if the Technological Singularity is expected to come circa 2030. The main character’s name in this novel is Tanaka. He spends his Spring semester skipping a grade level every two weeks and ending it either in the 2nd week of 8th Grade or the 1st week of being a High School Freshman. After the semester ends, Tanaka enjoys a very rewarding summer, goes to several camps, a great out-of-state vacation, and maybe some extra summer tutoring on the side. Then a few days before school starts in Japan, he flies to Japan either by himself or with a prearranged guardian. Then a relative picks him up and lives in an aunt and uncle’s house (with his cousins.) Tanaka starts Kindergarten again at a Japanese school, and finds Japan more fun and kid-friendly than America.

I want to be Tanaka and I plan to be that boy in the story when the Holoroom arrives in reality. So many responsibilities that I’ll be free from, at last.

In the short term, I am thinking about finding and using anti-aging products. I want to look 10 years and even 13 years younger, and I’m still under 25. Many Americans, Japanese, and most anyone the world over like children better and have more sympathy for them. I want to receive the same kindness that real children receive, so what would happen if I used products to look like a middle-schooler again? I may be treated better in other places, and girls may like me more because I look cuter and so young, but there will be disadvantages too. So what if getting carded is a difficult experience? I don’t buy nor drink alcohol often anyway. If I drive and someone gets suspicious about how old I look, so what? I’ll show them my ID if I need to, and that should show them that I just used products to look younger is all.

I live with a host family in Nagasaki right now and I still have to settle a ~$3,000 bill with the college I’m attending before classes start. I don’t know if my parents have moved the money yet so my worries about paying this off depresses me and makes me think about a childhood where I never had worries as big as this one. Have they followed my directions? Is the $3000 that I promise to pay back to them now in the account? Collect calls might annoy my parents and a $10 phone card only gives me 18 minutes of international talk time, so I hope for some big help here.

I wish I would have come to Japan when I was 8 or so, because once again, it’s such a kid-friendly nation. So many things, some even meant for adults, just overflow most anywhere with kawaii-ness. Another skeleton in my closet is that I prefer kawaii-looking products more than products meant for adults and college students. Seeing any kind of kawaii-ness brightens my day so when I walk past dozens of anything that looks kawaii, I feel so good, I don’t want to go back.

And I really don’t want to go back to America. We are too backwards when comparing Japan. I like it here too much, and I think Korea and China will have quite a lot of kawaii-ness there as well. Back in America, I was “forced” to show masculinity at all times and never show that I have a preference for things children like, that are meant for children, and the like. In Japan, showing your manliness doesn’t seem so mandatory, and I really like that. I can finally let out some more of my inner child here because it has been starving of anything childlike for a long time now. I want to keep living like a Japanese child would until I feel ready for adulthood, and I don’t know if I ever will feel ready. I don’t know how much longer I can put off graduating college but I wish putting off graduating high school (and even middle school) was an option, but things don’t work that way before college.

So what if this is a rant-and-ramble (or whatever it’s called; I want to call it something more positive-sounding) but I needed to get a lot off my chest. You may reply to give suggestions, help, and whatever other counsel you can, because I’m more than happy to share this with some people and learn from you about how to cope better.

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