Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Sleevehardy's priceless words... (Personal entry)

Long foreword

(Foreword: In some parts of the world, or even of the US, "priceless" might be synonymous with "worthless" but I hope you don't think that. What I mean is it's so precious a price isn't appropriate to tack on it.

And I still feel buzzed in the morning after a night on the town (firework show, hanging out at a bayside kouen, karaoke, etc.) so I might say more and/or say things differently than I usually do.)

REVISION ADDENDUM: Names have been changed in this entry. "Sleevehardy" is a compound surname whose synonyms match his real compound surname. Ronne is part of a name of another major ice shelf.

"You need to (screw) up a lot."

Ok? Now to start- I can't expect to remember all details from last night but Sleevehardy told me "to live and learn, you need to (screw) up a lot," and that he has, so he -was- on the same boat as me. For a long time, my mindset (or something like that, if "mindset" isn't accurate) was to avoid screwing up as often as possible. However, that causes me not to live, learn, and experience life so much. (Either Sleevehardy told me that last bit or I figured that out for myself. If the latter, hurray for me.)

Afraid of potentially making mistakes with lifelong ramification

I was afraid that if I screw up enough times, ONE of those screw ups would "impact me for the rest of my life." (When drunk, we might not be able to find the right words all the time, especially quickly when talking, but I meant to say, "result in lifetime consequences.") That's what I'm royally afraid of the most. I suppose the great fear of making a mistake resulting in a consequence for the rest of my life is why I tended to be careful more often.

Of course, the BIG ones just about go without saying - rob a bank and get a big & permanent criminal record. Knock up a random girl somewhere, (might be disgusting talk to some; sorry.) have an unplanned kid that you have to take care of for the next 18 years.

Smaller mistakes feel bigger to me. Some, anyway.

The "smaller" ones are considered smaller to most people, but for a long time, I thought they were a big deal. That would be things like, starting off on the wrong foot with a potential friend and therefore not having as good of a friendship as I would have if I hadn't made some mistake and/or said/done things differently.

Lifetime consequences from mistakes, moving on, etc.

Normally, I'm a sensitive person so something that doesn't faze others much might offend (unless I know whatever they say/do is a joke, a lighthearted thing, or otherwise not meant to offend.) So if I say/do something that results in what even -appears- to be a "relational rift" that'll last for the rest of my life, I may tend to regret that mistake more sorely than others, who may just move on since "there are so many fish in the sea."

I wouldn't have a problem moving on if I didn't have to see them again (like when someone moves somewhere else and won't return), but if I have to see them every day (even when just passing each other in the hallway between classes), I feel a compelling to set the wrongs right with that person, because simply seeing them reminds me of some unresolved... matters. ("issues" is now getting trite.) I keep feeling lower than I felt before if I happen by the person I haven't resolved things with because I know right then that I still have things to resolve with them (so in order to make both sides happy, of course.)

"Be Yourself" or act different just for some people?

I am told to "be yourself" but something in my sub-conscience has kept telling me for years to act different just to the people who don't like me for the way I am. Kiersten said that's bull(sith).

(N.B. I could say "bull(shine)" or "bull(scrap)" but a word that sounds like a lisp therefore sounds more kawaii so that's why I chose "bull(sith)." (Sith) happens but sometimes what doesn't go right may turn out to lighten the mood better than had it gone right! Like a lisp, for example. They're cute to listen to. But anyway, OFF THAT TANGENT & BACK TO THE TOPIC...)

When someone say "That's a difficult question" when I ask them what they think of the advice to "Be Yourself," either it really is (because I asked some Chinese nationals, so they may not quite grasp the question like Americans do), or they do understand and don't think I should be the way I am right now. Since it's either of the two, I won't know until someone authoritatively tells me.

Asking many questions ought to be more OK in a foreign land.

Now on the other hand, Sleevehardy and Ronne (or must I be consistent in my naming conventions and go with his surname too?) said I ask too many questions. Being in a rather foreign place, I thought it went without saying that Gaijin ask more questions than they do back home. Isn't it natural & OK to ask more about what's going on and all that jazz (wish I'd say "...all that J-Pop." Heh.) since it's harder to figure things out on our own, what with the language barrier, different norms, culture, and all?

But then again, they might have only been thinking of the questions the answers to which should've already been known to the typical American college student. (I can't think of examples right now of such questions that I asked, but if I asked such questions, shame on me then. I hope I didn't.) Regardless, I shouldn't rely on other people so much, is what they said. (At least now, when I'm in adult, even in unfamiliar situations such as being in Japan.)

Now it comes back to an age-old thought, and forgetting where I left off

So now that's another reason why I think I was born too early, and I've been covering my thoughts over being born too early on some of my other notes. I could go over more here, but I'd rather save my thoughts about this for a separate entry.

I knew I had more to say in this note that was related to the topic. When my host parents took me to an outing on April 26th at around noon, I was in the middle of typing this note. I would've had more but I had to stop before this last header. Even though I forget what else I was going to put, it may come back to me eventually, somehow.

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