Alphonse Sleevehardy is the Social Adrian Monk (Personal Entry)

***NOTE DECLASSIFIED January 1, 2009. "Alphonse" is in Iraq, so hopefully a shrapnel from an IED or mortar round will blast that chip off his shoulder. I don't wish death upon him even in such a heated theater of war, because hopefully Iraq may change him for the better. However, there's an off-chance that he may wish death upon me if he is ever to see it. However, he is not my friend on Facebook (and yes, I tried to add him once on a drunken party night) so I don't think he can see any of my notes. If he gets to read this anyhow, and I wind up dead or hurt sometime later, I urge detectives to investigate "Alphonse" first. I'll not reveal his name here, but Craig Henry (and maybe a few others who went to the GaiDai in the Spring of '08) will know who I'm talking about.***

(Right now, the note is partially complete. Moreover, only Craig can see this. Craig: You don't have permission to share this with anyone else at this time. We're to only discuss this together, out of earshot of others.)

Do you know who Alphonse Sleevehardy is? If so, how did you figure it out? If not, I'll tell whoever asks me, shortly before I leave Japan.

Alphonse seems to care the most about anything I do when it comes to the social aspects of our time here. He's more persnickety than even Gerald Good. (name changed) Alphonse also gets rubbed the wrong way more easily and about things other people wouldn't even mention about.

First encounter: Orientation Outing

For example, in early April, when we were out at a park for some kind of field-trip outing during Orientation, I genuinely thought Dietrich Humvee (name changed) was one of the Japanese or NICS students. I've never heard him speak up to that point, so I never got a chance to find out by observation that he was actually an American.

When I started talking to Dietrich like he was one of the other students, Alphonse cut in and said, in a tone indicative that he expected me to know this already, that he's actually another one of the American JASIN students, and adopted. I didn't appreciate how Alphonse sounded about this, and I don't remember exactly how I responded, but it was something like, "Well, he genuinely looked like one of the Japanese or NICS students, so how was I supposed to know? I haven't heard him talk so far either, so it's not like I could tell by his accent."

I don't remember the first part of his response, but his second part, I definitely do. "Oh, never mind about that. I'm just a hostile guy." Well, he expects everyone he meets to be TELEPATHS, doesn't he? (Probably not, but he sure seemed to that day.) I want to be one too, but some would say that would be unfair; everyone else would want telepathy too.

Second Encounter: Tiedemann's Party

I didn't know Nelson Schire (Name changed once again) from Alphonse Sleevehardy that time, so I had them switched around. I thought Alphonse was Nelson, and someone asked me to go get him, so I when I called him Nelson, he turned to take notice but with a slight frown. I told him what someone else needed, and he went to them.

I didn't think much about his frown, because he told me beforehand that he was just a "hostile guy," so I thought he was that way a lot of the time. Later, J.B. told me he was actually Alphonse, so then I wondered why he didn't say, "No, I'm Alphonse?" (Other people will usually correct them on the spot. Why didn't he? I asked him later and he said "I thought you were supposed to know by now, but something else told me to be nice at the same time." He got the wrong idea of being nice because if I don't feel offended from getting his name corrected, I assume no one else normally does either, so correcting his name for me would've been nice, too.)

Later on, Nelson asked me how old I was. (I don't remember how the conversation somehow wended its way to that question.) That put me in an uncomfortable position because I didn't feel good about being too old at this point. My instincts already knew at this time that if I told my true age but didn't meet their expectations for people my age, things would turn ugly. I told him, "How 'bout I wait 'til I'm drunk enough not to mind telling you?"

Then Alphonse, sitting down at a McDonald's table chair, said, "Wha... you're not a---..."

No one else cared but him. At least they didn't say anything, nor did they show any reaction at all like he did. Alphonse is yet ANOTHER reason why I want a "Private Messaging" feature in real life. Actually, wait, there is! I wish this had crossed my mind: What if I asked Nelson to exchange texting addresses so I could text him my response so Alphonse wouldn't overhear it? How would Nelson and the others nearby, have reacted then?

But, when I told Alphonse that I felt too old and "manning up" doesn't seem as mandatory in Japan as it is back home, so it had to be more OK for a guy to hide his age here, he said "It's not got anything to do with "manning up," and I forgot the rest of what he said.

The group got on the bus to head to Tiedemann's party. Later, I wanted to nickname the young librarian who was also at the party, "Braceface," because she looked cuter in the braces she was wearing. Also, Braceface is a cute nickname. Some may call it an insult, but a Japanese woman needn't know that, does she? I didn't think so that night. I only wanted her to think it was a cute adana. Alphonse thwarted this when he told her about it in Japanese. Despite my limited command of the language, I still knew what he was telling her, so I told her he was tadashukunai and confronted Alphonse about it, wondering whether he's really trying to ruin anything I do, and why he acts the way he does, etc. (I don't really remember, having been over two months.)

Later on, he said that I didn't "catch" his non-verbal signs back at the McDonald's. When he was looking away, that meant he was "uncomfortable" and wanted me to stop talking. But I didn't catch that at all, so he wanted to punch me then, but held back.

A tangent: Rage-blindness

Even though I really didn't catch it at that time, when I analyze the situation, "uncomfortable" is a euphemism (in this context) for being blinded by one's own rage. ANYONE WHO IS RAGE-BLIND REFUSES TO LISTEN TO REASON, AND THAT IS NOT CONSTRUCTIVE IN THE LEAST. THAT HELPS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, AND ONLY SERVES TO HURT MORE.

If I see a sign of rage-blindness from now on, that'll only motivate me to continue even harder until reason is brought to them. (Reason usually serves to lighten tensions, have both sides of the story heard and perhaps cause things to calm down, and other benefits. You know the rest.) This isn't their super-ego acting, being rage-blind is their "id." (Not identification; wasn't Psychology a required course at YOUR college?) Rage-blindness is an irrational process that must be abandoned.

3rd Encounter: Tall Ship Festival

Here was yet another situation when Alphonse was the ONLY one who cared about what I was doing. (In analog: Adrian Monk is often the only one who cares about any minute detail amiss. No one else would give these things a second thought.)

I was sitting with a group of mostly Japanese or NICS students, listening to whatever the conversation was. I feel comfortable beiing around East Asian people more, because they give off some kind of special aura that I react well to, so that's why I wanted to sit with them.

Alphonse told me that Gerald was looking for me, and I told him I couldn't see him where I was so I'll just let him come to me.

Then while I wasn't looking, Alphonse pushed T.C.'s bike down (which was next to me) and sprinted back to where he was sitting. Then he told me that T.C. gets very angry at people who knock over his bike so I'd better run before he sees me! I didn't buy that; I knew T.C. well enough at this point to know he has a better disposition than that, and even Alphonse's. I told him that I knew T.C. wasn't like that and I felt he was making that up for whatever weird reason there was.

Alphonse took me a little bit away and asked what was bugging me lately. I told him and asked how did he know something was bugging me. He said I was quiet and was just watching people talk. He demonstrated by overtly staring at one of the guys in the group, which was a clear exaggeration. When I told him how that was exaggerated, he said he has to use "extreme examples" because I didn't pick up the other hints he gave. He also said when he looks a bit down, he'll be quiet and show it; other people will know. I just seemed creepy when quiet so I asked him if I could come back when I felt more talkative and he affirmed that.

Misc...

He's also persnickety (don't like to use "anal-retentive," but is a synonym) like Adrian Monk in another trivial example here:

I wear a stopwatch every day because they last longer than wristwatches. Wristwatches have broken on me too many times so I've resorted to stopwatches and they've served me wonderfully ever since.

Alphonse seems to be the ONLY guy who cares about my wearing a stopwatch. He thinks that's weird but apparently nobody else thinks so. Monk catches small details that look out of place which other people wouldn't give a millisecond's notice to.

Adrian Monk is persnickety in the physical world- he cares too much about anything that's physically out of place or just... wrong, somehow.

Alphonse Sleevehardy is the same, but for the social world.

I wonder how they'd get along if they met each other. (No, not Tony Shalhoub, but while he's in the character of Adrian Monk?)

This is the main site for the TV show "Monk:" http://www.usanetwork.com/series/monk/

There are more encounters but I don't think I'll add them at this time...

(To be continued?)

My Planned Novels 4 - "A Century At Age 10 - The Saga of the Prolonged Youth (Personal Entry)

(Note: Title has a limited character allotment)

(tentative title) A Century At Age 10 - The Saga of the Prolonged Youth

This will be a series of novels too. In fact, I cannot think of one planned novel that will only be a single standalone book.

Plot Summary

A 10-year-old boy (name undecided, but will be a Korean boy) celebrates his 10th birthday, and hikes out to the woods that afternoon to give a little time to himself. (As it goes without saying, he receives loads of attention from his friends & family that day.) A supernatural entity (whose physical features are hard to describe) tells him that he is to stay 10 years old for the next 90 years, then age one year every decade after the year 2000. He is the subject of an experiment to determine how refined and learned children can possibly be.

He thought he had hallucinated, but by the time he's 12 1/2, he notices that his friends and family are physically maturing. Others start to notice that he hasn't. He buys himself a little bit of time by saying that "Some kids bloom later than others. It'll come eventually."

But now knowing that his 10th birthday encounter was real, he secretly prepares to run away in order to protect his family. He spends his life drifting to different homes, orphanages, youth hostels, and other available places to live.

He still learns new things, matures socially and in other ways too, but the fact that he remains a kid when he should've grown up already keeps troubling him at the same time. Every time he goes to a new town & school, he makes up an alias and that he's 9, so that he buys himself a few years at that one location. He opts for a placement test and gets "skipped up" to middle school (and eventually high school later in his travels.)

Many years pass and he tries adapting to the changing society as much as he can. Then the story reaches the Present Day, and his body has matured, albeit a whole lot more slowly as aforementioned. By this time, he knows a wide range of trades, makes friends easily, takes college courses, and even invents new tools and toys.

However, some people have been following him, trying to figure out what his mystery is behind his prolonged childish state. Sometimes, he does tell people that he's never aged in many decades, but only when he knows they'll think he's making up a tall tale.

My Planned Novels 3 - "The Kindergarten Loop" (Personal Entry)

The Kindergarten Loop

Another series where there will be plenty of novels in this one whole saga. "The Kindergarten Loop" is the title of the first novel of the saga. Many more "loops" follow...

What happens when an unseen power experiments on a random boy to see how far he can potentially develop himself?

Plot Summary

Kyubok starts Kindergarten in 2005, and is the typical fun-loving 5-6-year-old. He goofs off a lot, is frequently inattentive, gets poor marks on his schoolwork, and by summer, the parents and his teacher(s) decide that he needs to be a "transition student" who goes to Kindergarten half the time while in 1st Grade, and gets held back.

But when he wakes up on what he thinks is his 1st day of 1st Grade, his mother tells him something like, "It's time to get ready for your 1st day of Kindergarten!" Kyubok is confused and asks, "Again??? I thought I was a 1st Grader now, even though I'm a "twanzishin student."" She says, "What do you mean, "again?" This is your first day ever. Maybe you had a dream about going to 1st Grade?"

He eventually finds a calendar and sees that it's August 2005, not 2006. Not believing it at first, he asks if it's still 2005 because he thought it was already 2006, and other people call him silly and say "Yes, of course it's still 2005." Other calendars confirm it all the more.

He knows a little more from "last year" and does a bit better in his class. He still goofs off a lot. The end of the following summer comes again and he hopes he'll be in 1st Grade this time, but NOPE! He's back to 2005 once again!

He ends up going through this loop many times (at least 87, but probably hundreds.) He surmises (correctly) that he needs to get every last assignment perfect. He can't miss one on anything- homework, tests, pop quizzes, book reports, anything at all. Even the extra practice assignments his parents give him at home have to all be correct before he leaves the loop!

After accumulating more and more knowledge and maturity after every loop, he eventually leaves it, starting 3rd Grade at age 6.

But guess what? He is nowhere near out of the woods yet! He has entered ANOTHER loop! He keeps looping countless thousands of times (hundreds of times per grade level, but takes less loops than expected thanks to his grade-skipping) all the way to the day he receives his post-doctorate degree in 2017.

A BIG Predicament: Karolynne Ruselle never marks a paper perfect!

(I once had an English Expository Writing teacher named Carol Russell. The highest POSSIBLE grade she would give to anybody's paper was a 98%. Her rationale was that "There is always room for improvement." She directly inspired Karolynne; she would never bode well for any student stuck in a yearly time loop.)

Far along in the novel series, Kyubok enrolls in a university (at age 9, 10, or 11) and takes an English class instructed by a Karolynne Ruselle. Having gotten long used to the time loop routine, Kyubok goes through a whole lot more trouble to move on to the next loop as quickly as possible.

(He does, unless he gets in trouble with the law, or encounters any other kind of a huge life dilemma, in which case he bombs one assignment on purpose in order to loop again and avoid these predicaments next time.)

He turns in a masterfully crafted paper that impresses Karolynne so thoroughly she even reads it to the class and earns Kyubok a standing ovation from his classmates. Alas, she only gives him a 98% because "there is always room for improvement."

Furious, Kyubok storms into her office later that day when she proofreads the class's papers and asks her why she has to ruin his year. Kyubok also asks whether anything meriting a STANDING OVATION would truly deserve an extra 2%, and tells her with conviction that the other professors would think so, AT LEAST, and probably throw in a few extra credit points for its overall impressiveness.

(As much as he wants to, he knows deep down that he cannot reveal his being in a time loop, at least not to Karolynne. Because you see, this is his first loop in his first year at college. He does not know what events will happen in the future. If he had looped numerous times already that year, he would tell Karolynne what will happen later that day, week, month, and year, and have her become an objective witness. That may sympathize her into giving him the first 100% she'll have given to anybody in any of her classes. But this far along, Kyubok's patience for time-looping has since dwindled, so he tries his best to form a different plan.)

She stands firm to her grading policy and Kyu's life just breaks down that year. He goes on to do riskier things and doesn't care much about his other college assignments. When Looping Day comes, he dreads being stuck in the first year of college forever, all thanks to the infernal Karolynne Ruselle. He attempts to brainstorm a plan - do you know what that is???

Re: Craig's comment about treating social situations like exams (Personal Entry)

This note is only viewable to the GaiDai students and anyone else on the Japan network.

The night of the (initial) writing of this entry

(I have now started writing this because 2 Melatonin pills later, I am still wide awake. If I'm gaining a tolerance to what's supposed to be a NATURAL sleep hormone, I may need no more than 5 hours of sleep a day. That would be nice, considering that I'd get more stuff done.

But then again, I believe I'm still sleeping the same amount as before regardless, but not at the right times. Therefore, it is probable that more than one hormone works to make me fall asleep. If I find any other bottle of sleeping pills of those other hormones, I shall see if taking those will ALSO build an immunity to them. If they don't, they'll help me fall asleep when I need to. If they do, then I'll eventually need less and less sleep as a result.)

Why I interact socially like I'm in a social exam

Craig told me face-to-face that I appear to approach any social situation like I'm approaching a "big (pl)ucking exam."

Now I must tell you why.

Friendships are way too fragile. Many are, anyway.

Friendships and potential friendships with anybody are way the pluck too fragile! Friendships are made, but also broken just as easily (and often even more easily than they're made.) Friendships getting broken hurt me A WHOLE MOTHERPLUCKING BUNCH. I never forget betrayals, no matter how much alcohol I drink. (They destroy brain cells still, but not the ones you WANT to destroy. Another way of saying that you want to destroy the brain cells that hold these bad memories is "to (attempt to) drown your grief." I won't even consider that option because some people have been at it for over 20 years and still feel as much pain as on the 1st day of it as soon as they're sober again.)

Once bitten, twice shy way too many buddhaforsaken times!

Even one betrayal is too much. I've been betrayed too much- reasons vary and I still don't know why for some betrayals, but perhaps because I wasn't careful enough in my social interactions with these people. I don't want these mistakes to happen again, so that's why I become more careful after each time I get betrayed, so that's why I now appear to approach nearly every interaction like an exam.

Make-or-break too often

Too many social situations are make-or-break. If I even give off as much as one wrong body gesture inadvertently (e.g. awkward lean) or screw up the delivery once (e.g. the cadence sounds awkward and weirds someone out), then even though most people won't start despising me right away (or at all), the few who will may often not feel like despising at first, but these wrong moves stick out in their head the most and cause them to fester into not liking me anymore.

In too many cases (IMHO), no amount of new friends can replace the hurt of one lost one

It's been proven in myself time and again that some betrayals are so harrowing, no amount of new friends can ease the pain of losing one. There was an example of one girl a year below me - Jeanessa Lindura (name changed.) I thought she had a more pleasant disposition. She apparently forgot it upon high school graduation. Going into her situation will require a whole 'nother blog entry, so I won't here. Her betrayal happened at ~255 friends (back in March/April of '07.) I still very much feel that pain over 130 friends later.

That was the greatest I've ever felt (either ever, or in quite a long time). There are smaller pains of other past betrayals but I've let slid several of them, though some still hurt me to this day. For the biggest betrayal, I plan to go to a grief counselor about it soon after I return to Kansas. Even though grief counselors are normally for the loved ones of those who passed on, I hope any of whom that are available in my area will also take grieving cases not involving death.

Just about everyone I talk to at the GaiDai and elsewhere are all potential betrayal cases, so I feel a confuciuscondemned compelling to be careful interacting with most anyone I meet, lest I suffer a repeat of the same cruel situation!

Didn't I say people were like a walking social minefield?

This was on another note entry. Or maybe I meant that interacting with people is like navigating a minefield. If something is obvious (like using a universally off-putting pick-up line), that's like seeing a big mine-mound in plain sight. You know a mine is buried under there.

But there are other things that I still don't know is wrong until it's too late. Other people may make innocent mistakes like that too but they usually see these mines better than I can, thus make fewer mistakes than I. They have the equivalent of the latest, 3-month old Ground-Penetrating Radar goggles. Mine are probably 5 years old, so it won't detect the more "subtle" mines. Still, the "subtle" mines pack a walloping punch, if you know what I mean. That's also why I feel compelled to be careful in my dialogs with others.

...but I'd rather learn from someone else's mistakes thus spare myself the pain.

But if I don't trek forth on such krishnaforsaken minefields, I won't learn how to detect the more subtle mines, so to speak. André Sleevehardy (name changed) once told me that I "had to (pl)uck up" in order to learn anything. It's good to learn from my mistakes, but if they're so painful, I'd rather learn from other peoples' mistakes plus the mistakes made by the characters of any fictional literary work. (Societal Example: The launch of SkyNet in the "Terminator" films causing AI robots to betray us & attempt to wipe us all out is a fictional mistake our society has since learned from. Now we know to be more careful in developing Artificial Intelligence, lest they betray us!)

That's why I must find opportunities to observe as much as I can - movies, TV shows, stories & videos on the Internet, and of course simply watch other people interact. From there, I can potentially learn from a lot of others' mistakes, and eventually not feel like I'm at an exam anymore.

That brings me to a point about learning from social mistakes on TV

Garrett told me to watch episodes of Evangelion in order to learn vital parts of social interaction from the main character(s) there, but I'll have to wait until I return to the US to rent one with English dubs and/or subtitles. (The ones at the local video store(s) do not have any dubs or subtitles of any kind. The domestic Anime producers are inconsiderate of any Gaijin. At least when we make OUR DVDs for TV shows and films, we offer dubs and/or subtitles in other languages, most commonly Spanish and French.)

However, Craig did tell me that there was a new version of Evangelion out this year. Since it's so brand-new, it might have English dubs or subtitles, so I'll be sure to look into them.

Conclusion

In the adult world, approaching social situations like exams will never work/bode well. That is also why I plan on graduating college only when I feel ready for adulthood. I don't care how long that will take at this juncture, but I'll keep improving.

I'll go to great pains to improve my situation with this by taking relevant classes:

(possibly) SPCH320: Theory in Human Communication
(certainly) SPCH322: Interpersonal Communication
(if this isn't Sign Language) SPCH323: Nonverbal Communication
SPCH325: Argument And Debate
SPCH526: Persuasion
SPCH542: Relational Communication

(and others as seen necessary to my social development.)

In any of the above classes, if I get any less than an "A," I'll retake them until I get an "A" in there. (Yes, I'll still retake the class even if I get a "B" because polishing my social interaction skills is too paramount of a concern and goal to accept any less than the best marks there.)

I believe I've said all that I needed to, so I must be off to bed now.

Addendum: 6-22-2008 - Being Sensitive

I should have also mentioned that I am a more sensitive guy than you're used to. Even though I'm definitely less sensitive than I was when I was 13, I'm still progressing down to being as sensitive as a man out of college.

(If you think sensitivity is a good thing, there is such a thing as "having too much of a good thing." That was the case at age 13, and some might say that's the case now. It is best to have sensitivity in moderation- not too much nor too little.)

Therefore, thanks to my level of sensitivity, that's probably also why I approach social interactions like exams, because when someone hurts my feelings, it often hurts me more than it hurts other people you know.

(To put it in an analogy, anyone with a light skin tone gets sunburnt faster than with a darker tone. Therefore, they feel more pain quicker. In an inner way, I'm like a pale person and social hardships are like the pain from the sunburn.)

This makes me feel more compelled to be more careful than other people when interacting with them. But when my sensitivity recedes is when I'll loosen up even more. (Fortunately, other factors mentioned in this note will help me loosen up a bit before this factor does.)

My Planned Novels 2 - "Perfecting The Past" (Personal Entry)

Perfecting The Past

There will also be many novels in this series; many more than The Second Childhood. (By the way, there will be a connection to each other, but that will remain under wraps.)

What would happen if someone from the future went back to the dawn of the 20th Century with easily replicated money and did the best they can to improve (and perfect) the past? Prevent world wars, mass bloodshed, and invent many new technologies several decades early?

(Note that time travel isn't possible, at least in the universes that I author. This story, as in the 1st one, also takes place within a Holoroom simulation.)

Plot Summary

Another adventure in the Holoroom has the protagonist become 15-year-old Taka Shinohara in 1900. He starts out with an unimaginable horde of money (and claims that some "extraterrestrial benefectors" left him with a huge fortune) and goes out to start a huge corporate empire and improve history from how it would've gone originally.

For example, he immigrates the Hitlers, the Lenins, the Stalins, the Zedongs, and other dictators, hated people, and their families, to America. He sets them down different paths to make sure they never become what they were in our reality.

Taka pays off the national debt in exchange for abolishing the death penalty and improving many other aspects of the American government. He sets up a prison colony in Liberia for the worst offenders to get shipped off to. Moreover, he severely restricts the construction of new prisons stateside. When prisons approach capacity, the worst offenders in these prisons get shipped off to Liberia in order to alleviate overcrowding. He puts the prisoners to work on public works projects- hospitals, schools, powerplants, roads, highways, water & waste treatment, and anything it takes to thrust Liberia into the 1st World. When more prisoners arrive than can be put to work on Liberia's country-improvement projects, mobile prison camps are set up to work in neighboring countries in Africa and bring them infrastructurally into the 20th Century and the 1st World as well.

A major hobby of Taka's is stress-testing his Shinohara Steamers and other vehicles that his company manufactures. He makes sure his creations are made as durably and perfectly as scientifically possible.

He throws copious amounts of money into R&D'ing new technology in every sector of his conglomerate. As a result, his labs invent many new technologies several decades early. (For example, he pushes to have the Airbag invented by the 1902 model year! Money IS NO OBJECT, after all.) He even invents (or makes standard) what isn't common today. (e.g. His labs develop a flotation feature that comes standard on all of Shinohara's cars. They are all made to float in any body of water and propel themselves through it. Therefore, his cars cannot get totaled in a flood.)

Back to the Holoroom side- one hour also passes outside for every year inside the Holodeck, again thanks to the Time Dilator. The protagonist somehow forgets that he has a life outside the Holodeck, so a co-worker calls him to find out why he hasn't shown up for work. Thanks to the Holoroom being wirelessly connected to the phone lines, it auto-pauses the program and prompts the user to answer. He comes out several years older, and decides to make up a story about needing to go to the hospital, so he'll drag himself to the hospital now. After receiving age-reversal treatment to undo the accelerated aging, he gets a note from the doctor emailed to his co-worker and manager, and heads off to work. He returns home that evening and resumes his holo-adventures.

(There is so much more I can add to this plot summary, but the "Perfecting The Past" series will consist of AT LEAST 50 novels, each ~750 pages long. I don't plan to skip any day of his life. Whatever happens every day until his scheduled death on September 1, 1990, will be mentioned somewhere in these novels. Therefore, the plot summary will take far too long to mention here. Of course the protagonist playing Taka Shinohara survives, because the death at age 105 3/4 is pre-planned.)

My Planned Novels 1 - "The Second Childhood" (Personal Entry)

My planned novels range from Sci-Fi to Alternate History and Mysterious Fiction. (That last genre I'm not sure about.)

I write these novels to feel better about myself, to express a lot about myself, to get lots off my chest, to bring my creative energies out into the open, and to hopefully make a living off of these future novels' royalties. In what I write is what I wish to have, hope to have, want to achieve, and other similar desires.

What are your analyses of these novels in progress?

The novels are:

The Second Childhood

This is the title for a series of many novels. (Several or many; I'm unsure at this point.)

Plot Summary

More than a decade in the future, a 35-year-old US Consulate employee buys a brand-new Holoroom at the local Best Buy, a recently-opened electronics department store in Sariwon, ROK.

After installing, testing, and making use of the bodily shape-shifting program, he embarks on a virtual 2nd Childhood as 5-year-old Tanaka. (The first day is Tanaka's 5th Birthday in a different time-period from outside the Holoroom- January 1, 2005.) He spends years on the Holoroom growing up the 2nd time while only hours pass outside of it, thanks to the "Time Dilator" accessory. (1 year inside the Holoroom = 1 hour outside.)

Retaining his adult knowledge, intellectuality, and judgment capacity, he takes the most advantage of whatever childhood has to offer, and scores a 431 on an IQ test.

After the test, he tells school officials that completely skipping grades will omit vital parts of his childhood, so he convinces them to have him stay in a grade every 2 weeks, then advance to a higher grade level. Once he's in middle middle school, administrators have Tanaka stay in a grade every 3 weeks. By the end of the year, he has finished 2/3rds of 8th Grade. He hasn't quite made it to high school at this point but this feels good enough for him.

When he participates in the Spelling and Geography Bees, he of course makes it to the National levels. (Whether he wins or not is undecided at this time.)

After a summer of a lot of fun & fulfilling summer camps, vacations, and what-not, his family flies to Japan to visit an aunt, uncle, and cousins. Tanaka wants to feel a childhood in more than one country and feel what it's like to be an "average" kid again. Thanks to a language barrier, he does become an average Kindergartener again. (Save for his abilities in Math, English, and other subjects that he has an expertise on, no matter what part of the world he's in.)

He falls in love with a lot of what a Japanese childhood has to offer, but there are other things that makes him tired of Japan as well. The toys and the other things he likes are pretty expensive for him. Despite the allowances he earns from good grades in school, he still ill-affords many things that he wants. Moreover, there are other rules, events, and parts of his life in Japan that makes Japan feel like a difficult country to live in for Tanaka.

Once his school year is over in Japan, he goes on some vacations with his family and a few summer camps. His original family from Vitality Glen, NY visits the Japanese family again. The reunion is tearful, enthusiastic, and heart-felt, and they take Tanaka with them to Korea. After touring around the country, they visit the mother's side of the family. After a little bit, they return to America and leave Tanaka with them.

He gets to start Kindergarten for the 3rd time, at a Korean school and at age 6 3/4. With the Korean language easier to master (at only 40 characters, as opposed to the Japanese's ~220 Kanas, and over 5,000 Kanji), he advances to a few higher grade levels. (His abilities in Math and other subjects also help.)

The Korean life and family is easier on Tanaka. He enjoys his time of his life there, and eventually returns to America someday.

Years along, he goes on to appear on many TV game shows, invent new toys, and become a young world-renowned luminary, earning at least 2 college degrees by age 15...

It's official: American-style drinking parties aren't fun (Personal Entry)

I was hoping to find a Japanese way to have a good time, but it looks like I need to keep looking. The others at the GaiDai import an American definition of a "good time." After trying some drinking nights, I've come to the conclusion that they've never been for me and never will be.

If I find a LAN party (you know what that is, don't you?) or any party that involves video games, I'll be all for it!! I've been an avid video gaming fan since I got my first NES and cartridge on my 6th birthday. I always tend to start and end a video game with a good time, including when playing in multiplayer matches.

At least in video games, I get to learn something. Racing games - I get to learn the top speed (and other performance statistics) for all the race cars. RPGs - I learn about new weapons I haven't known before, how to put things together, and a wide range of things to do. In online quiz contests - You know! On online sketching games, I polish my drawing skills (with a mouse or Wacom tablet.) And in shooters and similar games, I polish my hand-eye coordination. There are many games where I can learn many things from that may be useful in real life. (Some other games of course don't teach anything at all.)

Whereas when drinking, I just destroy brain cells. Whatever I learn there probably won't be anything useful. More than that, it's easier to break than make friends while drunk. Also while drunk, I'm more than likely to start off on the wrong foot with those whom I first meet. That can translate to a lifelong enmity between them.

Board games are すごい (sugoi; amazing) to play as well. Especially in quiz-style games, I will get to learn a lot from them. They also stimulate and excite the night.

Alcohol and parties involving drinking will lead me down a wrong, immoral path anyway. It's best that I stick to the more constructive types of parties. (Yes, video games are constructive in many ways. It depends on each game.)

Breaking Note: Tornadoes ripped through two of my hometowns... (Personal Entry)

Image Caption: (Before-&-After: Before) I grew up going to this school. Attended all K-6 here. (Note: 6th Grade became Middle School in the 2000-2001 school year.)

At about 10:20 PM (12:20 PM in Japan), a tornado ripped through Chapman and Manhattan, KS.

My Childhood Home

Chapman was my and my family's hometown from 1990 until June 2006. We moved to Lindsborg at that time, but our house remains unsold to this day. When I return this August, I will take numerous snapshots and list it on Craigslist for $75,000.

Just a few broken windows

I called back home (only ~52¢/minute after 8 PM local time) and asked how our old house was. Natasha said her friend checked out our old house, called her, and told her that it's fine; just a few broken windows. 70-80% of the town was destroyed. Fortunately for us, our house was located in the remaining 20-30%.

Manhattan hit; especially my home university!

Manhattan is where my home university is. Several buildings there were damaged-

- Sigma Alpha Epsilon fraternity house
- Rathbone/Durland/Fiedler Halls Engineering Complex
- Cardwell Hall
- Call Hall
- Weber Hall
- Burt Hall
- Moore (Residence) Hall
- and the Wind Erosion Laboratory is just... gone.

- Ward Hall, the building which houses the nuclear reactor, was also damaged. However, the reactor housing remains intact and in "safe mode." (Yes, we DO have our own fission reactor. GO CATS!)

Fortunately, my Sanders apartment building has been spared. (Confirmed after calling my landlady.)

All tornadoes were far from my homes, until now.

But I'm more than just lucky! Everything that's mine and my family's keeps being spared!

For all my life, no tornado ever hit MY neck of the woods, so why now??? Heh, at least I'm still lucky despite all this. My family lives 12-16 miles south of where another smaller tornado also struck, (Salina, that is) so let us hope another doesn't form closer to home. And as it goes without saying, I'm over 5,000 miles from there right now.

Moreover, the tornadoes caused a lot of damage to all of the schools I have ever attended (including parts of K-State,) but none of my homes (save for a few broken windows back in Chapman.) Weird, but lucky at the same time. What's also weird was that the tornadoes hit not just one, but TWO of my hometowns on the same night. (Chapman being the former one, of course.) Thank God our homes were still spared despite this seeming double-stroke of bad luck.

Did I know the woman who died??

On one of the videos, an anchor says a 21-year-old woman was found dead in a yard in Chapman. That means it is very likely she went to my school! I probably knew her pretty well. If that is so, then I'll soon receive invites to join a memorial group for her here on Facebook.

News Links

I'll be sure to tour the damages when I get back home in August. In the meantime, here are some links and pictures of what I saw on the news so far.

However, in the numerous pictures of tornado-damaged Chapman, I have yet to find pictures of OUR old house. Maybe they'll only take pictures of damaged homes and their foundational remains (if simply gone.) They'll unlikely be interested in taking pictures of undamaged houses, so that would be a good sign for me and my family, now wouldn't it?

Article of damage in Chapman. Images and videos galore. (Let us hope this link never expires.)

Tornadoes Kill Two In Kansas

Tornadoes rip Manhattan, KSU damage more than $20 million (Video there, and you may figure out where to find images.)



Image Caption: (Before-&-After: After) Now I get to see the two 2nd Grade classrooms for the first time in many years. (As you can see, they are EXPOSED on the 2nd floor.) I wonder whether they can repair all of the schools by August in time for the new school year?

I have to play "Social Feng Shui" to intermingle harmoniously. (Personal Entry)

Neologism

That's a neologism- "Social Feng Shui." I doubt anyone else ever coined this phrase so I hereby am the one who has.

You are familiar with Feng Shui, right? Everything has to be arranged in exactly the perfect positions in order for this unseen energy to create the right harmony and other desired results. If even one thing is a little off, that causes everything else not to work. So intricate, precise, and time-consuming to arrange.

Many Parallels

Conversational interaction does have a few parallels. No, not few; Many. We all have to do EVERYTHING right when talking to somebody. On the other hand, I have to keep track of EVERYTHING I do when socializing, even the actions you don't even THINK about while you interact. Otherwise, someone will notice something screwy about me.

For others, that's no problem; they do many things they don't think about when intermingling with others, correctly. These range from body gestures, arm and hand movements, eye contact/movements, tone and speed of their talk, cadence, and other forms of "delivery." (And I'm starting to hate that word in the context OTHER than DHL, UPS, FedEx, other couriers, and Pizza. {<---The only delivery I love! Yum!}

If ALL of these are done right, then a conversation goes better in the meantime.

Example 1

When I speak, namely to Garrett, he leans awkwardly to the left or right. He appears to do that on purpose, mainly because he is. He told me beforehand that he'd do this awkward lean anytime I did. Even though that annoys me, I'll still permit him to because that shows me I need to give off a normal body posture when speaking.

I still have lingering sub-thoughts that he's one of the minority that notices this because no one else seems to. No one else appears to care that I lean when I do. Though Garrett says that's because they're projecting a positive "tatemae" at me and will stay polite and on whatever the topic is. And will probably get out of there as soon as they can.

I usually don't think of my body posture while interacting until someone points it out. I shouldn't because no one else seems to when they interact. But now that I have to keep track of this, that's an additional action to keep track of.

Example 2

So I hald... halt, in mid-sentence like William Shatner. Guess who told me this? Garrett again. I deliberately left my original spelling of "halt" the way I typed it first as it is to prove a similar point.

He says at least Shatner sounds confident. Now I introspected why I have to halt in mid-sentence. If I try to talk too fast (or normal speed to the most of the rest of you) while at a consistent pace, I will not think of the words fast enough.

Let me say an example sentence by myself: "Kiyapping in Karate builds self-confidence but will it help get your words straight... no, I mean, not stop, in mid-sentence?" That is what I said verbally when actively attempting to keep a consistent pace in my speech. (What I really meant to say was, "Kiyapping in Karate builds self-confidence but will it also help you maintain a constant pace throughout your sentence?")

You see, I have to stop for 1/2 a second to a full second in order to make sure the words I'm about to say will come out right in the 2nd half of the sentence. Even then, that is not guaranteed. On the last paragraph, the sentence I really meant to say took some dwelling for over a minute to form.

What my disadvantage is is I often cannot think of the most perfect sentence/way to put a point until long after I was supposed to say it. Realtime, improvised conversation has never been a strong-point of mine. As you could see on my notes, I type more elaborately and in a different way than I speak. You never notice tones, cadences, delivery, nor the speed of my speech because it's typed. They're all out the window when a keyboard is used instead of the larynx.

Another significant reason is that typing a Note isn't a realtime task, like talking face-to-face. I can think and mentally plan ahead what I'm about to type, and go back to any sentence I have doubts on and either amend, remove, or revise it. I cannot in a conversation, even when I think of a better way to put what I just said a few seconds after I say it.

Example 3

Hand and arm gestures

Pretty soon, I'll have to keep track of too many actions in a conversation, and therefore feel like I'm managing too much just to converse without giving people the wrong impressions of me. That'll make me think social interaction isn't a fun pursuit after all, will it?

Most of the time, people don't seem to care about my hand and arm gestures, but then again, they're probably projecting a good tatemae and keeping their opinions about my gestures to themselves.

When I was talking to Garrett one day a few minutes before one of his classes in that classroom, he told me to keep my arms still because my gestures were annoying the he(ck) out of him. At the same time, he told me not to worry so much. To that I told him, "I'd not worry so much if people didn't give me anything to worry about in the first place. And with you telling me about the gestures, I now have one more thing to worry about." At least he apologized for that. Then he told me... I don't remember what exactly he told me next but it was something along the lines of "But be sure your gestures don't give off the wrong signals."

Example 4

Eye contact

At least I've known for a while now that it's essential to maintain eye contact. If I look down or to the sides or anywhere else, I will make them think I feel intimidated, or that s/he and their topic doesn't interest me. Moreover, some girls will think anyone who looks down while speaking to them, are gazing where they shouldn't.

So far, Garrett never mentioned anything pertaining to eye contact so I know I'm better-seasoned in this area.

André Sleevehardy (name changed) did tell me one time that when he thought something was wrong about me not wanting to tell my age, he looked away when I told him my side of the story. He said that when he looked away, that's 'cause he felt uncomfortable but I completely missed that and kept going.

I don't bow to rage-blindness

Actually, there's something called "being blinded by one's own rage." He didn't want to listen to reason at that moment. If he understood my situation better, he'd not mind so much. (Usually that's the case in other situations, but not always. However, the effort is worth it.) At that time, I felt a compelling to give my reason and stop at nothing to do so. I knew subconsciously that if he didn't know the real reason for not telling my age when asked, he would assume something worse and subsequently treat the situation worse.

Another statement worth mentioning is that I DON'T BOW TO RAGE-BLINDNESS. That's because when they're blinded by their rage, they almost always assume a worse reason than it really is. No one wants that, and I don't want that more than most everyone else perhaps. That's why I want them to know the truth, especially when it's better than what they think. Even if continuing with telling the reason in spite of their discomfort is risky, it's well-worth the risk. What IS a safer way of getting it through to them, anyway?? I'm open to ideas here.

Conclusion

So sometimes, I don't know whether one's getting uncomfortable at all, probably because they're either too subtle, or they manage to hide it completely. But don't start being overt, obvious, and therefore cruel. Kindly tell me about any of the other subtle signs you've observed me miss. It helps to know them all so I can make less social mistakes in the future.

About the other body languages I need to do right in order to achieve social harmony- that's a lot to keep track of but persistent practice makes persistent perfection. (Should I just say "persistent perfect" even though that grammatically sounds wrong?)

The most plausible explanation about not having caught up in getting the hang of "Social Feng Shui" is having had a pre-existing condition for a long time. (That itself is too personal to mention here.) Therefore, that becomes yet another reason added to a long list of reasons why I want to start all over again in a rejuvenated body. (But that topic is for another note.) In the meantime, I can just "live and learn."

If I hear remarks of certain progress from Garrett and anyone else close to me here, you know how I'll feel, and what all will happen next.

ADDENDUM: Reply to Garrett - 6-16-2008

(...Or to anyone that can forward this to Garrett in the likely case he doesn't come back to read this addendum.)

Why didn't you say this after correctly guessing what my condition was at the Seiyu McD's? Remember the day you introduced me to the Mormon missionaries & bought me dinner on the way to their church? If you had guessed that I had 아스퍼거 증후군, couldn't you have said the same thing then?

You see, telling someone about my 아스퍼거 증후군 feels like cutting a bomb wire. I either disarm or explode it. Telling my condition to Robert Hyde was like disarming the bomb; he said great things about it & told me "that's a beautiful disease." I agree; many luminaries ranging from Thomas Edison & Bill Gates to Woody Allen & Satoshi Tajiri have / are believed to have 아스퍼거 증후군. (There are many lists of luminaries w/ 아스퍼거 증후군 online.)

I only told Robert about my 아스퍼거 증후군 in the first place because I was drunk enough that night not to worry about the outcome. When I'm sober, I would want a way to determine whether someone will "disarm or explode" from telling them about it before I do, but AFAIK, that may be impossible.

It appears that merely alluding to 아스퍼거 증후군 was the "straw that broke your back." (Not calling you a camel, & I may be changing metaphors here, but that doesn't matter.) In this note, if I had openly disclosed what my condition was, would you have responded differently?

(This note is only viewable to the GaiDai & anyone on the Japan network.)

August Travel Itinerary (Personal Entry)

(Now let's talk about something more peaceful and all-around positive, as a respite from the other entries I've sent.)

Thanks to the outrageous $2000+ airline tickets direct from Japan, I won't even fly from here.

August 1st is the day to move out, so I get done presumably by the afternoon. Then I take a bus down to the Nagasaki Eki and board a train to Fukuoka. (Or take a bus if one's available for a lower price.) (The Kagome train is ~$50, a slower train is about ~$35 and I soak in more views, or a bus is about ~$30 and I soak in even more views but while more cramped. Finding such a bus might be too much trouble anyway.)

That night, I check into a hotel. (Possibly the Nishitetsu Inn Hakata again.) It is likely the ferries to Korea will not leave at night. The stay at Nishitetsu Inn Hakata is ¥6900.

With the correct papers that I've gotten from the Korean consulate beforehand (likely easier than usual, given the fact that I'm the son of a Korean national), I board the ferry at the soonest time I can get on. (This is either the morning or the afternoon.) Fares run ¥10000-¥16000.

Once I land in Busan, thanks to my heavy luggage, I must ride a taxi to the national train station. The fare to get in and for the first three kilometers is 4200 Won (~$4.09) and ~$1.90 per mile (200 Won per 164 meters.) That is in a deluxe taxi. The ordinary ones cost just 1800 Won (~$1.75). I'm taking the deluxe (모범; mobeom) taxi because more of their drivers speak English (and at this point, I know significantly less Korean than Japanese) and I won't mind their extra comforts at all. I may even use their in-car phone to call my uncle up in Seoul, to tell him I'll be there soon, staying for the next few days. (However, I may arrange for Mom to tell him of this well in advance. Later I'll call him myself to let him know I've landed in Korea.)

Once at the station, the fastest train is the KTX (looks as bulleted as the Shinkansen) which reaches Seoul in 2 hours and 50 minutes. The fare is 47900 Won (just ~$46.50) and that is the longest and fastest train route in all of South Korea. That sure beats the Shinkansen! (But for all I know, the fare to Pyongyang could be 70000 whenever the North opens up. Up to Sinuiju, on the river border with China, may be an even 100000. Both are merely estimates. Let us not wait for the Reunification much longer, shall we?)

Once disembarked, the taxi fares are about 4500 Won for the deluxes in Seoul, with about the same distance fare. After staying at my uncle's apartment for a few days, it's time to return to the Land Of The Free.

The flight to San Diego from Seoul will run just $1092. This is less than half the price a flight would have been out of Japan! I'll then stay with my Uncle Steve for a few days (and visit Elder Matheson, a missionary friend, from Chula Vista, near San Diego.)

Then I'm taking the Amtrak train to Newton, KS. The cost will run $185 (with a business-class seat, just $14 more than an economy coach.) The trip will be ~31 hours, with a ~2 hour 10 minute ride up to Los Angeles before transferring trains. Newton is just 50 miles away from home- my family's home in Lindsborg. They shouldn't have a problem picking me up there.

Saving money by taking a flight out of an alternate city sure does have its benefits! I haven't been to Korea in ten years so I know a lot has changed. I also think this will be a superb preview to how life will be like when I study abroad again to a Korean college, at least a year after I leave Japan.

Science Confirms The Obvious: Getting Drunk Only Hurts More (Personal Entry)

Foreword: This note is to only be viewable to the Nagasaki GaiDai students. There is (seemingly) no point in letting others back home see this message. The Note Privacy settings have been set like so. Moreover, I'd prefer for certain people to read this, so if you somehow manage to read all the way through, then I applaud you for the effort.

Hurts more - Socially, that is

Granted, some drunk people get physically hurt because they lose their balance and fall from a height, get run over by a car for crossing at the wrong time, or trip where no sober man would trip and have quite a crash.

But this causes a social hurt. Many drink to have fun, and some claim that they don't cause social hurt like unseasoned drinkers do because they're "more experienced" in having nights of drinking.

For some though, they can have many drinking nights and still tick people off. Getting drunk just isn't meant for some people.

To make analogies - some things don't work for some people. They aren't suited for everything.

For example- someone would rather work as a forester, combine operator, tour guide, lifeguard, or any other decent outdoor job because they can never get used to the office environment. Either that annoys them or they never get the hang of using a computer and anything else they need to do at an office.

Some never get the hang of using even a cellphone or anything useful but newer because they've always been comfortable with older technology. They may have tried newer things a few times, but decided they'd only feel miserable if they kept trying and would never get used to it. If it wasn't pleasant the few times they tried, it never will be.

And for the 3rd example- some aren't used to driving motorcycles but SUV land-yachts, and vice-versa.

Each of everything isn't for everybody, and each person isn't for everything.

After a few tries, it's conclusive: Drinking has never been for me, nor will be

After this last night of drinking down the hall at this dormitory, it looks like drinking has never been for me. At least not in Japan. And probably not anywhere else either. When I got drunk the first couple of times, things felt pleasurable and alright but the 3rd time in Manhattan, not so much anymore. (Maybe those first two times were only due to some kind of "Beginners' Luck???") Since I've been friends with some former residence hall-mates for a few years, we let each others' drunk antics slide more easily, but something was telling me this wasn't right anymore.

Then now in Japan, getting drunk clearly only leads to more harm than good. One size doesn't fit all in many situations, so one activity isn't for all in many cases either, including having a night of drinking. (Even something sounding as benign as peanuts isn't for everybody because some asphyxiate from swollen throats from them!)

Drinking erodes more qualities than it builds

Even though having drinks boosts one's confidence (though opinions differ; some would disagree about that, and in my case as well), it erodes other qualities at the same time. Garrett once said getting drunk erodes my Ego and SuperEgo, leaving only the "id."

I'll say right now that it erodes what sets me apart from a certain Russell Strawser. Garrett and Craig told me a lot about that guy (what a mess he was!) and showed me a picture in an orientation handbook (looked like the king of all dorks.) I'm sure no one said this because this had probably gone without saying, but, I get the feeling that I become more like Russell Strawser every time I get drunk.

A relevant analogy here is "to chop down a forest to save a tree." Not "save," in this case, but grow and glorify it. That lone tree is confidence, but the others are my other precious qualities that not only has people like me better when sober, but sets me better than Russell Strawser. The more these other trees are chopped down, the more I become like Russell Strawser.

The wonderful side to that is, the chopped trees grow back as fast as the alcohol leaves my system! I'm myself again, though the confidence (the lone tree) shrinks back to its usual state. After this last night, I'd much rather take the long road- the road to the plateau of high confidence. Once I reach this destination, that confidence will be here in me to stay. Whereas alcohol only boosts my confidence for one night.

I've been used to immediate and short-term rewards because they satisfy better at that moment. The fact that they're there right away makes them more appealing, but they pale in comparison to the long-term. Alcohol gave a short-term reward but the long-term is more gratifying and longer-lasting.

What is obvious & previously known bears repeating: People often won't have a good time with you when drunk. Things may just get worse.

I seem more needy when I'm drunk. (Am I correct, responders? Sometimes there is such a thing as "not knowing oneself.") I also tend to tick people off more often. It's just some annoying drunk antics that you could probably correctly guess if you've been drunk yourselves. (I don't think I'll try hard and scrape for details to go into here.) Just last night, when I made some guess about Steve and Jennifer making out in Rob Hyde's room, Garrett said something not worth repeating here that told me "I just nudged him off some cliff" (in a manner of speaking.)

Then Craig said I "extended the limit of their patience." I've never heard that when sober. I suppose it's because when I'm sober, I can pick up on the warning signs LONG before anyone has to say that! Then when I told Garrett how I wish I had a visual indicator (like on some kind of Heads-Up Display) of someone's level of patience, he was holding his stomach like it was hurting and he was possibly about to vomit, and asked me if I knew what that meant. I guessed incorrectly twice - He was about to vomit, or was just sick from the alcohol. No, he said he was "this close" (about 1 1/2 inches) from punching me.

No one else could have told me that holding one's stomach means they're about to punch somebody??? What a surprise that was. Better late than never, anyway. So then Craig came up and asked, "Do you know what the best advice is to make things better with Garrett?" (To paraphrase; I can't remember well now.) I told him, "Sometimes if I leave people alone, their relationships just fester into something else, so I don't have faith in that. Not anymore." Then Craig just walked Garrett into his room to get some sleep.

An old worry of mine: Whether leaving one alone really improves a relationship?

When someone tells me something that sounds so extreme, I get doubts of whether their feelings WILL improve the next day. (That track record hasn't always been perfect before!) That brings me to another question-

If leaving someone alone doesn't improve one's feelings toward me, what can I do different to get the improvement process going? That's what I start to ponder (there, I substituted the word "worry about" because... you probably know why.) when someone says or does anything that makes me think that situation seems this hopeless.

To know how to mend damaged relationships: Practice Makes Perfect, doesn't it?

And I don't know if Garrett said this before, but I think "The more you try to make amends with people, the worse they'll feel with you." Did you say that, Garrett? Would you have said the same, Craig?

I've seen people successfully mend damaged relationships. I want to be one of them. Practice Makes Perfect, doesn't it?

Reach Confidence the hard way - the more rewarding, longer-lasting way.

But the easiest thing to do, is not get drunk. Sober people know how to reason better. (Some can still while drunk, but only if drinking suits them well enough to keep a lot of qualities intact despite alcohol's influence. Safe to say, it'll never suit me.) It'll be best to sleep off a relationship damaged by a night of drinking until the following morning (and/or the next time I see them) and only try to mend it when sober.

So it turns out having alcohol turns more of me into Russell Strawser II more than Mr. Confident. (Who is the epitome of "Mr. Confident" at the GaiDai anyway?) The wonderful side of that is, these awful qualities all flush down the urinal away with the alcohol. My sober self returns. Some brain cells get destroyed, but at least after this last night, I'm smarter about this sort of situation now.

Even though I normally may be tense like I was right before I started drinking this last night, at least then I acted far better than I did right before Craig and Garrett retired to Craig's room. Garrett was likely quite less drunk than I was, so he's more likely to remember everything from the last night, including the dreadful moment that I reached the end of his patience. I can only hope and pray he forgives me for that.

Clearly, it's better to stay tense and learn the hard but truer and more permanent way to become confident than to find a quick fix and become confident by drinking. If I'm tense at first, but soon learn to be confident, that will NOT erode my ego and super-ego. It will keep me well-differentiated from Russell Strawser, and earn me more friends, favors, and less ticking-off of others.

As long as people know I act better when sober, whatever I do while drunk had better not carry over to when I'm sober. We ought to get over it as soon as we get over our drunkenness.

Sundry

I still had some alcohol left in my system when I made this note. Was there anything here I shouldn't have said? If so, don't be overbearingly hurtful about it. Just kindly tell me what it was, and I'll either remove it, or cut-and-paste it into a separate note and save that as a draft.

I'll certainly not drink such large amounts of alcohol again, and now it feels easier than ever to never drink ever again (though I may not be quite at that stage yet, but in getting closer, every inch helps.)

Grief never drowns

Feeling grief may tempt me into drinking alcohol, but in the end, the grief never drowns. The alcohol only washes away the buoyant grief, only for it to wind up on a shore downstream, and hike back to you. I already know what the more practical, long-term solutions are instead, and they will take a long time to reach, but are very well worth it because I'll feel some sort of "nirvana" whenever I reach those goals.

Progress and worthwhile goals to stop at nothing to reach

Not just getting rid of disturbing thoughts, but also gaining confidence in the way I talk and do most anything else is a tough but worthy goal to reach. At that goal is that elating feeling of nirvana just waiting for me, that no other feeling can ever replicate. I know I'll stop at nothing to reach that goal because once again, such big confidence will do me lots of favors in life. Even though the tone of voice and the delivery of a point or joke feels (and is) difficult to master, they're still worthwhile goals so I'll never get the slightest intention to give up.

Garrett says I've made some progress. (You DO remember saying that, do you?) Craig said something to that effect. I care a lot. They say Russell Strawser didn't care at all; he kept claiming he was already improving but as Craig put it, "like (pl)uck he was!"

The journey to some goals in life may feel boring, tedious, and arduous but for these goals, not in the least! They're fun goals to reach, actually, and when I progress little-by-little, I feel some mini senses of satisfaction so as long as these little "rewards" (mostly intangible, of course) are always around the corner, that gives me even more incentive to keep going.

Apologies and semi-closing

Craig and Garrett, sorry that I reached the limit of your patience last night. Now that I'll be sober the next time you see me, this shouldn't (and had better not) happen again. I'm sure you already know full-well, that I care quite a bit about others' personal opinions. I think you already said I care "too much" about what other people think of me. It's good to still care, though I suppose at a moderate level.

Maybe there was more to this note, but if there was, it's escaped me now. I'd better get to bed shortly. Daylight is already creeping through at 5:17 in the morning (on Saturday, fortunately.)

Why I used "Science Confirms The Obvious"

Addendum: Now I remember- I started the title with "Science Confirms The Obvious" because that was an allusion to some of Popular Science's magazine's columns about science confirming obvious situations, results, et al. (E.g. Smoking wastes money, and especially "Women Like Funny Men.") See the link here!: http://www.popsci.com/node/10377

I MUST be humorous on demand. Comes in very handy in heated situations!

Speaking of funny men, they should release a new column titled, "Humor quickly defuses a socially ugly situation." Say someone's in a heated argument, or simply, a conversation goes downhill (happens more often while drunk.) Then either the participant(s) start snapping funny comments, or someone comes in and starts giving them funny twists, advice, and what not for the situation. Things get light-hearted in a hurry and the situation earns a happy ending. :-)

I want to know how to do that- be humorous on demand. As Garrett observed with the erroneous handshake last night, I'm only funny when the right actions, events, or whatever fall into the right place, at the right time. (And also when I don't intend to be.) I can't be funny whenever I want because that's never been a strong point of mine. (Though chances are, I may think of some joke or snap that's funny to me and potentially so to others, but usually will keep it to myself because I'm afraid it won't go over well with them. Then again, it could only if I get the "delivery" right because as many say, "It's all in the DELIVERY.") If I could crack the right joke or lighthearted comment (correctly) whenever one's needed (like in a heated situation,) I'd be the king of all social bomb defusers! Another worthy goal to work on...

Why I'm putting off Graduation (Personal Entry)

I've got plenty of reasons here. Enough in fact, that I should number them off and organize them into outlines. (Note that thanks to the Note's primitive HTML structure, I cannot create a proper outline at this time.)

1. Past the point of no return in my student loans.

I'm already financially past the "point of no return" with my student loans. That is, when it comes to paying them off with a job a student can get while in college. I don't even keep track of how much I owe now, but as long as I keep putting off graduation, I keep deferring them.

-A. Whenever I achieve all of the class & credit requirements of my current major, then comes time to graduate. But do I want to float downriver for six months without a paddle? (Getting the job is like grabbing an elusive branch and successfully pulling yourself to shore.) I fear that I will keep hopping from interview-to-interview without ever landing a job in those crucial six months.

--i. Even if I posted my whole resume as an ad on a newspaper, not only would that waste money faster, I'd probably only embarrass myself. No one posts their entire resumes on newspapers.

-B. That is why I plan to keep taking classes (perhaps a partial load?) in order to keep the student loans from chopping me up like the rocks at the bottom. Until I finally land a job, of course. If I have to move far enough away in order to find an ideal job, I can still take them online.

--i. Therefore, I can take a minimum of 6 credit hours every semester in order to keep these loans deferred. When I take them online wherever I am, I hope they keep enough of these in stock; enough online classes to last me a very long time! Who knows how long I'll need to look for a long-term job.

--ii. Once I've found a job, THEN I'll graduate. To not graduate until I sign an actual job offer will be a financial safety precaution. Many companies are willing to wait to the end of a semester for someone to graduate first, so I hope my favorite company will do the same. Pray for me not to take long to land a wonderful long-term job, if you would please.

---a. Either that, or if I get tired of living in Manhattan, KS (which is doubtful,) then I can graduate, move somewhere more desirable, and still take classes online from K-State. Or it's possible that I can take online classes somewhere else (say a vocational or technical college) and still manage to defer my student loans.

-C. And of course if all else fails, I could keep taking classes while searching for a job in vain. Some classes are pretty fun to take anyway, though others are of course the best sleep-aids in town.

--i. Did you know the Mayan Calendar is going to end on December 21, 2012? Millions believe an apocalypse will start that day. If it does, and I get to live in a long-term survival shelter, then all of my debts will be made irrelevant because the creditors from Sallie Mae will either be dead, or also seeking survival in a shelter too. Nevertheless, a cataclysm will render these debts irrelevant. No one will care about from whom to collect what debts, whether and when to report unpaid dues to the major credit reporting agencies (since they'll also shut down,) and so on.

---a. But an advisor once told me not to bank on that, so I won't "bank" on it. Deeper down, I also hope for an apocalypse not to happen anytime in the 21st century. I hope to not need one to solve these debts.

-D. If I hadn't have used my student loans, I would have had the option to take a semester, rest another semester, take a semester again, rest again, and off and on. I wouldn't mind that lifestyle in the least! But alas, I'm forced to stay in college if I want to keep these loans away. :-/

Not ready for adulthood

I'm not ready to be an adult yet. I've heard or read stories of adults regretting not doing more as college students. They thought being a college student was one of the most exciting times of their lives so they regret not being able to go back to those years.

-A. Even though I'm past college students in some areas (won't name any now), I know I'm behind college students in other areas,+ too (won't name them now either). It takes being an adult to know what certain things and situations to face after college. If I'm already out of college and don't know how to deal with them, I might be SOL! That's one reason why it's best to stay in college in the meantime- to learn how to tackle the adult world in stride and with ease.

-B. I already regret having a deprived and boring childhood and youth (at many times in those times, anyway) so I get the feeling that I'll also regret not doing enough in college if I, well, not do enough in college. That's why it helps to stick around- in order to do whatever it is I need, can, and want and therefore feel more fulfilled about myself.

-C. All these clubs and organizations can be very fun to visit and participate in. I have doubts that alumni can participate as well. Even if I could as an alumni, I'd feel awkward and out of place because, well, I'd most likely be the only alumni in the club (who isn't speaking in the front of the room, that is.)

-D. In the adult world, you will need a LOT of leadership skills in order to go FAR. (Far up the promotion ladder, the fortune freeway, and also possibly far in your travels.) The two leadership classes I've taken- Introduction to Leadership (EDLST212) and Cultural & Contextual Leadership (EDLST350), didn't do enough in my opinion, to shape me into a solid leader. I'm still more comfortable as a follower than as a leader (in plenty of situations, anyway) but I'm getting too old to be a "follower." (I'm growing too old, too fast, in any case.)

--i. This is why I will also take "Management" classes. Management is another form of leadership; I'd say it's even a synonym of the word! There will be a COPIOUS amount of Management classes and I assume I'll enjoy every one of them! (At least I had BETTER enjoy every one of them!) Enough of these classes ought to shape me into a bold, confident, and daring leader that can tackle any worthy life's challenge with stride and ease, and earn a large crowd of followers.

At least one scholarship before I graduate

I want a scholarship. I've never received an academic scholarship before (probably because I never feel motivated to take the initiative to apply for any at FastWeb.com) but my goal is to have at least ONE scholarship before I graduate.

-A. If I get even one scholarship, that'll brighten my future career prospects. Employers will notice and favor applicants who have received scholarships.

-B. More than that, I could state on another scholarship application that I have received a scholarship before. The reviewers may then think, "This student has already gone far enough to receive one. I trust he'll make the most of ours, too. I think anyone who previously received scholarships will be more likely to rightfully deserve ours."

-C. Furthermore, if I put in my profile of a dating/matchmaking website that I've received scholarships, more desirable women may take notice.

Must study abroad in Korea

Finally, I plan to study abroad in Korea at least a year after I leave Japan. Even though more and more of my fellow high school classmates have graduated or are graduating, I can use this extra time for extra opportunities.

-A. You see, I really wanted to take a Korean class but there's no Korean at K-State, so I took the closest language- Japanese.

--i. It was appealing for a while at first, but I'm not at all fond of there being thousands of Kanji characters and the Japanese social structure is way too complicated (Even though they'll mostly forgive us Gaijin for not knowing the inner workings of such.)

--ii. Japan is also too expensive. Can you believe their taxis are eight dollars a mile?? (Also ~$5 to get in and for the first two kilometers, by the way.) Whereas a deluxe taxi in Korea is just 4,000 Won (less than $4) to get in and for the first 3 kilometers and 200 Won for every additional 205m (~96¢ per kilometer, or ~$1.55 per mile.) I could just ride a taxi to school every day if I didn't feel like putting up with the crowding of the buses or the subways.

-B. I suppose that when I return to the US, I'll learn Korean on my own time. There'll be plenty of Korean learning software (and books) around the Internet, and I already have some in my storage shed right now.

--i. I'll even explore the possibility of taking a Korean class online through any college, and hopefully transferring the credits back to K-State. It should count toward something.

--ii. Whereas Japanese has ~110 Hiragana, ~110 Katakana, and over 5,000 Kanji (2,000 of which are commonly used,) Korean only has maybe 40 symbols. Thus, Hangeul (or Kankoku-go) is easy to master and read. I can already read and write Korean; I just cannot converse in it yet.

-C. Members of my real family reside in Korea, all on my mother's side. Thanks to them, I won't need a dorm nor to pay host family fees. Most of them live in the Seoul area, where many universities are who have exchange partnerships with K-State. I'll even be close to most everything, as a matter of fact.

-D. I plan to stay in Korea for at least a year, as opposed to a semester in Japan. I'll save up, and thanks to most everything being cheaper there, I'll have a better time of my life! Staying there for a year will require putting off graduation a LOT; I once heard that we cannot graduate abroad; we need to spend our last 20 credit-hours at K-State.

Closing

I forgot to mention that I'll still enjoy Japan, but as a tourist who spends a vacation here once in a while. I'll still like several Animes, but Korea has a good selection of Animes, too. I think if I want to spend the rest of my life in one country, it'll be Korea. Let us hope there isn't a second Korean War that'll force me to move back to America, or someplace else in East Asia.

I won't mind putting off graduation in the meantime, anytime soon, because I feel young while I'm still in college (although sometimes I still feel too old.) I know I'll just feel older once I'm done, so it's best to enjoy the extra time and really use it to decorate my resume.

Reflections on Dan-&-posse's class comments (Personal Entry)

***NOTE DECLASSIFIED JANUARY 1, 2009. There isn't much reason to keep this note a secret any longer.***

This is for Garrett to analyze. I noticed a new "Note Privacy" setting panel and set it so only Garrett Fine can read this. If anyone else read this without looking over Garrett's shoulder, Facebook has a very big bug to fix!

June 7th Addendum: Now Craig (yes, the Wiganese Craig. I know it's "Wigganers" but "Wiganese" sounds funnier. What would anyone else think about this unconventional demonym?) can view and also comment on this note. I have a feeling that from being drunk last night, I might forget what Craig has told me face-to-face about this note. (I'm trying to retain his memory here, but there remains the chance of my memory going out with the alcohol.) In that case, I suppose Craig can comment a rehash of what he told me last night. Or he could surprise me and give some advice he didn't give face-to-face last night.

June 10th Addendum: I don't know how Sharon found out I mentioned her here, but I'll ask Garrett about it later because the most likely explanation was that she looked over Garrett's shoulder while he read this note without noticing her. (Or even that Garrett actively showed her the note.) Now that she knows and is curious about what I said, I feel a compelling to let her see this. Who knows how many other people Garrett showed this to, or whether Sharon found this note through some other means I hadn't even thought about!

In Thursday's Japanese class on May 8, while the teacher was instructing, right out of the blue, Dan disrupted the teacher and asked me whether I've found a girl yet.

Knowing how inferior and uncomfortable I'd feel if I told him I'm still looking, I tried stalling and said, "That's a "loaded" question. Why do you ask a random question, out of the blue like that?"

I don't remember what his response was. My memory keeps failing me once again. Then I asked him who his girlfriend was, and he said "My Chuugokujin" (or something like that) who went to our GaiDai.

Her English nickname was Cici and there were two Cicis here. Shia said he had the other Cici, but as a "tomodachi" (a regular friend.) So I think I asked, "So you're still looking, aren't you?" I guess he said he was.

Then being lulled into a false sense of (What's the accurate term, Garrett? I don't think "security" fits it. Or it does, but the word gets too cliché.), I told Shia, "Yeah, I'm still looking."

Then Shia, Dan, and someone else laughed. I tried to figure out feverishly for 3 seconds how this was funny, and I don't think this was remotely funny in the least. I guess from looking at the way my face looked at the moment, Dan said, "Oh I'm not laughing at you."

I didn't buy that. I think Dan has been a pathological liar around me. I think he only said this to save his tail. This question didn't occur to me until after class, but I wish I would've asked, "Then why didn't you laugh about what Shia said???"

I think Shia only said he was still looking and that his girlfriend was a regular friend just so he could set me up!

Other times in that class, I'd hear Dan mutter some things about me to people next to him that was out of my earshot but not out of the earshots of others closer to him. When class finished, I asked Sharon what Dan whispered about me and Nicole cut in and said, "You should ask Dan himself. Asking Sharon would put her in a bad position."

I told Nicole, "If Dan didn't keep changing his story, then I'd ask him." I conveniently don't remember what Nicole said to that, but Sharon said "My memory's like a goldfish; I can't remember and that's why I'm not doing so well in Japanese."

I should've asked Nicole why she thought it was a "bad" position and that if Dan only said good things about me, then she wouldn't be in such a bad position, now would she? But I never got around to that.

Later in a movie screening for a class assignment, I asked Dan what he whispered to the classmates next to him back in that class and he said, "I said I love you."

"I know I heard more than that!"

"I love you, I love you."

Humans have an ability to corroborate the muttering sounds with what was purportedly said, and I would've known the mutters sounded similar, but they really sounded vastly different.

I've been having hearing issues anyway, so if a byouin gives me a hearing aid, I can never be lied to again (when it comes to figuring out who muttered what.) Supersonic hearing would be a priceless social boon.

Why don't the others want to help me when it comes to what Dan and the others have been saying about me? Why must they keep covering Dan's tail to keep me from knowing what his true motives and meanings are?

Now I've made some future plans on how to deal with Dan.

If he asks me a personal question in the middle of class, I might ask him to wait 'til the end of class.

If he asks me an uncomfortable and/or loaded question, I plan to take out my cellphone and record video of this question & answer session. Yes, in Dan's plain view. Maybe that'll get him to back off, or maybe he'll not faze a bit. Of course I can only take out my cameraphone AFTER he asks that question, so I'll just repeat it to the cameraphone. Once the recording's all done, I'll show it to Garrett for analysis.

Walking social minefields

Some people are densely-mined social minefields. Others aren't nearly as dense. I think Dan's field is loaded with mines, but not as densely as say, Ross's and Andrew's.

Everyone else "navigates" these "social minefields" too. Thanks to their better social skills, they wear the equivalent of a Ground-Penetrating Radar visor to see exactly where the mines are.

As for me, an older visor only tells me "This is a dense minefield," "This is a lightly-mined minefield," or if I know someone well enough, I may see exactly where the mines are like others can with anybody.

All too often in my opinion, I don't know whether any of my questions, answers, or responses given to the other person are like stepping on a live mine. They could take it well (and I don't step on a mine, or step on an inactive one), or not (and I step on an active one.)

If you're in college, I hope you understand this analogy perfectly.

Now the questions

(many previously mentioned, but again to organize them all together:)

1. Some people put off dating until they have enough free time in life. Why shouldn't Dan and his posse consider that?

2. So Shia DID say he was single just to lure me into some trap, did he?

3. How is it conceivable that it could it remotely be funny when I said I was still looking? Why did I feel somewhat infuriated instead? (And next time, I'll just tell them or anyone else who asks, "I'm told to feel a "spark" from a girl before I become more than a friend to her. More than that, I'll go for it when I'm not too busy, and I have so much to do these days. And I plan to find the love of my life in Korea next year.")

3a. Do you recommend that I say what I put in parentheses above?

4. What do you think Dan would've said if I asked him at that moment, "Then why didn't you laugh when Shia said he was still looking???"

5. I don't think I can buy Sharon's "goldfish-memory" story either, because my intuition told me there was more to it than that. What bad position was Nicole really referring to?

6. Why don't the others want to help me when it comes to what Dan and the others have been saying about me? Why must they keep covering Dan's tail to keep me from knowing what his true motives and meanings are?

7. Should I take out my cameraphone and roll video on it when Dan asks me a question I don't like? (And of course repeat onto the camera what Dan asked since I wouldn't be able to start recording fast enough)

Whenever I'm in a bad mood, I'll just sit across the room from Dan so I don't have to put up with any of his antics.