What does it Justice: My lighthouse shines a rainbow in 長崎... (Personal entry)

Image caption: A lighthouse of the future could shine a lot like this. I am a fan of the future. Garrett said the way I talk was grating (and has been the only one to say so thus far.) This image depicts "diffraction grating" and by golly, that is とても　きれい。 Yes, -very- beautiful.

(Garrett, you may place your input if you'd like.)

More than just a sore thumb

I get the feeling that "sore thumb" doesn't do it justice; try a lighthouse that shines a rainbow instead of the traditional white light. That lighthouse will stick out in the greatest ways known to man.

Be yourself but find yourself

At first, I thought the advice to "be yourself" didn't apply here because I was sticking out more than I did back home. I should still be myself, but someone (Garrett or Kelcey) told me I may need to "find" myself.

Garrett told me to find a serene park (either the Peace Park or another aesthetically pleasing place closer to my host family's home. Once there, I must introspect & meditate. (Praying, perhaps, is one way to.) Moreover, also find some bread at a コンビニ (a local convenience store) and feed pigeons. I have no problem not looking threatening so I can attract the pigeons and feel accepted for the moment. No, not pet because the birds keep their distance from bigger creatures like us.

As if my social skills jumped back a few years

Soon after I came here, I learned several people are more blunt (direct, up-front) than I am used to. They have shorter patience than many people I know back at K-State. Subconsciously, I avoided blunt people and kept with anyone with more tact (mostly Christians and some others of other beliefs.) (Don't get offended by the preceding sentence, please.) So for a while, I thought my social skills was at or close to par. Then here it suddenly seemed like my social skills jumped backed to where I was several years earlier!

It turned out I was in the "comfort zone" for a long time, associating and nurturing friendships with Christians and anyone with an overly friendly disposition. Not being around blunt people often enough made me not learn how to intermingle with them well enough. Now that I'm of a minority disposition (and religion) here, I must adapt and learn to interact with anyone I would've had the option not to interact with before.

Before college, there were unkind people too and I was happy to get into the more comfortable zone that was K-State when I started there. Being happy where I was, I never considered leaving it, and I have now, at least for the semester. I had subconsciously assumed many (or all?) colleges would offer the same kind of comfort zone, including Nagasaki's. It appears I was only thinking mostly of the Japanese students. I guess some liberal colleges might not, and many of the JASIN students here are from liberal colleges. I read somewhere that K-State was a more conservative kind of college.

Some social hardships back home

Although things were socially smoother than here, I still had some social hardships. The American social hardships (Kansan, really) were getting old so one of the several significant reasons for going to Japan was to escape the social hardships of America (or Kansas.) I thought the Japanese students would outnumber the JASIN students and they do, but JASIN students still stick together quite often. No one should import the American social hardships in my face, but if someone kindly shows me the error of my ways (and kindly, I might add), then I'll roll along with that. (If that means "I'm cool with that" and "I'm alright with that.")

Talking as if I was Captain Kirk's grandson!

Some of what Garrett pointed out was that I talk like William Shatner in some comedy skit show that I can't recall right now. I halt in the middle of a sentence in order to make sure I'm using the right word and think about whether that word or sentence will rub someone the right way or not. Even though these pauses are for only 1/2 to 1 1/2 seconds, they still feel too long for these people. Garrett says this shows a "lack of confidence."

(Many) K-Staters have an abundance of positive たてまえ

No one at K-State told me this??? The K-Staters had to have had much greater positive "tatemae" (outward show of feelings, as opposed to "honne," how someone truly feels inside.) If I have any reason to believe I could fail, and that it's easy to fail, I subconsciously put up safeguards to ensure failure is less likely to happen but according to Garrett, these failures are more likely to happen and happen faster just because these "safeguards" are simply up there in the first place.

"Safeguards" that don't make me safe

This habit reached the subconscious and I believe once I do something without even thinking about it (like halt in the middle of sentences to figure out the best words to say next), it's hard to get rid of. Garrett said "it's grating to the ears" but most of the time, no one will say a thing about it; they'll try to finish a conversation and get out of there as fast as they can. He's "waking me up" in these senses.

More social forgiveness among the Japanese

Now to socialize amongst the Japanese is what I hypothesize will be more lenient and forgivable in the following ways- if I halt mid-sentence in Japanese, they won't think I lack confidence; they'll know I'm a foreigner and am still learning my Japanese, so they'll permit it without even a second thought! Now you see one of the reasons I left America? I have the potential to fit in more (the way I am now, at least.)

Social Missteps: More forgivable coming from a Gaijin

Even if they DO notice social missteps, they are generally more forgiving if a Gaijin (read: "foreigner") does it. As for the American social missteps, the Japanese may not know it's an American social misstep in the first place, and won't think of it even once. If they do know it is (or just that something feels wrong about it,) chances are, it's a social misstep on both sides of the pond but they may only assume it's Japanese, so they'll still forgive pretty well. Let's hope I never make a misstep that a Japanese will know for sure is an American social misstep. Rather awkward then, won't it be?

At least the Japanese students don't notice anything unusual about me, so far, and as far as I know... If I'm wrong, spill some details about it.

Plan to live outside the US

I've been meaning to leave the US for the last time soon after graduating college, and live somewhere in the East Asia area (either here, Korea, or China.) Just being American and having American quirks, qualities, and traits may make me somebody significant there/here. Even quirks that only a few other Americans share might not be something that many will mind in the region. (Family and friends back home: No need to worry! I'll visit you on vacation every once in a while.)

I'm sure I had more, but I must get to bed. Being sleepy does interrupt my thought path so I can't think of what to put next as effectively as when I'm wide awake. Whatever else I wanted to give here, I'll give on a future note. So long for now.

Addendum: Endnote on bluntness

(I was going to include it here but the content got too long; long enough to become another new note. The new note is "Addendum from "What Does It Justice:" Endnote on Bluntness" and you should see it right above this one.)

Notes of Japan, 4-18-2008 (Personal Entry)

I. University Summary
So this college (Nagasaki GaiDai or Nagasaki College of Foreign Studies) is more of a closer-knit facility of 4 or so buildings and maybe 500 students, tops.

It apppears that the JASIN students (from the US, UK, and France,) are the minority, because there are the NICS students from China, and of course the domestic students.

II. Forgivable Social Mistakes
Making social mistakes here is more forgivable than making them back home because being a foreigner, I'm expected to make a social misstep anyway.

Even if I make what would be considered an AMERICAN social misstep, the Japanese and Chinese students will probably think nothing of it because they don't know what an American social mistake is like.

Moreover, if it's a social mistake on both sides of the pond, then they'll probably only think it's a Japanese social misstep and kindly show me the error of my ways and how to do it right next time.

III. Disturbing Death Customs
You know, I read that at least 99% of the Japanese get cremated. I'd rather have burials and I'll tell why in a little bit.

Don't they even do organ transplants when someone dies? What keeps them from giving organ transplants? Their population declines nowadays, so some more organ trnasplants may help reverse that trend.

Now, I strongly prefer burials over cremations. You see, when I was little, I thought cremations were a sign that the spirit went to Hell. The spirit burns in Hell, the body burns in a furnace, so I (erroneously, I hope) put the two-and-two together and automatically assumed being cremated meant having gone to Hell.

From that, I thought of cremation as a disturbing and depressing thing to do to a corpse.

Why I still think it's disturbing is because I'm a sci-fi fan, alright? I believe future technology will resurrect people who have been dead longer. And when that technology keeps improving itself, it'll learn how to resurrect corpses who have been dead even longer than that. Nowadays, medical science only lets us resuscitate anyone who's been dead for 30 seconds to five minutes. When medical science advances like it already does every year, it'll eventually learn to resurrect anyone who's been dead for hours, days, weeks, months, and even years!

Of course some people will call that optimism certifiable, but so what? We once thought the idea of HUMAN FLIGHT was certifiable, and weren't we glad to have been proven wrong 104 years ago! (105 this December 17th.)

But back to the subject- I doubt future technology will know how to revive cremated remains though, at least anytime soon. Having your body preserved in embalming fluid and buried underground where the temperature remains constant year round makes the corpse stand a better chance of resurrection. (So it seems at least, to some people.)

And finally, would you feel more comfortable sleeping in a nice, plush bed or over a wooden board with coals burning underneath? Some people have a nagging instinct (or thought) in them that says the dead would also "feel" more "comfortable" in a nice, cushioned coffin so that's also why they and I would never consider cremation.

IV. Too many holidays! Right??

I went to a lecture about Japanese Society today and learned there are 15 national holidays and a few imported ones (Valentine's and Christmas among them.)

Some were created by the government because they thought the Japanese work too hard and save too much, so they ought to relax and shop more. (Nice move.)

But to have to decorate and prepare for so many holidays, to me, feels stressful because you have so much to decorate and prepare so soon so often. How is it supposed to be enough fun then? If someone else did the decorating and preparing for me (and also took turns, so I don't sound selfish), then I wouldn't mind so much.

V. Unzen and the Onsens

Tomorrow morning, I'm leaving for a weekend field trip to Unzen-yama, a dormant volcano that still has natural hot springs. We'll do a long hike up some mountain, and that'll be pretty darn arduous, so I'd better have a towel on me, but the blast of refreshing wind at the top will be the reward. Regardless, I'd better bring a water bottle.

Another is a Karaoke, and I might ask one of the more "up-front" (blunt) guys to critique me a la Simon Cowell, to see if I still sing as good as I used to, or if I need to re-polish my singing voice.

A. Onsen
The big one is the Onsen- my advisor (and teacher from one of my classes), Marc Tiedemann, will not let me wear swim trunks to an onsen.

It's public like a swimming pool, but is for relaxation and warmth, and you're supposed to BARE ALL before stepping in. I wouldn't feel comfortable about doing that so he said I can wrap a towel around myself if I don't want to display my 'parts, so now I'm relieved.

He did say wearing a swim trunk to an onsen is like going inside a Wal-Mart with an umbrella on, if you don't appreciate how the store lights shine on you, for example. It's not prohibited, but it just "isn't done." To not wear a swim trunk to an onsen is one of those "unwritten rules" that foreigners may miss too often.

For more about Unzen, see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Unzen

For more about onsens, see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Onsen

More to come, たぶん.

じゃまたあいましょう。

I entered adulthood too early (Personal entry)

I am so ashamed of my age; I do not even want to tell it to most people anymore. Maybe if I know them well and/or have gotten comfortable with them, then I may share my age.

I may be fine academically, but in other ways, I am nowhere near ready to be an adult yet. I hate it; absolutely abhor adulthood. You see, some people have “skeletons in their closet.” Common ones are homosexuality, a specific fetish that they’re ashamed to reveal to casual friends, and even close friends. The skeleton in my closet is that I prefer more of anything from childhood than adulthood.

Adulthood is very depressing right now, and when I pass some playgrounds and other things I would have had the time of my life with as a kid, my inner child just pounds at the inside of my body to break out and go play. I sometimes practically chomp at the bit to go play on a playground, read a children’s book, and other childish things but I would look so darn foolish. I keep stabbing myself (figuratively, all right?) for not being born later, preferably in the nice, round year of 2000! Those shoes that extend and retract rollerblades- not many stores carry my size (11 ½ - 12). When I was a kid, these retracting rollerblades weren’t even invented yet. I had a deprived childhood.

More depriving was the fact that for several summers, I didn’t go to any significant summer camps, and I went to one “Webster conference center” for only 3 days at a time and that was the only camp I went to. For several summers, I didn’t go on any out-of-state vacations either. My town was too small. Why didn’t I grow up in the kid-friendlier Korea or Japan, where I am now? It was possible for my father to transfer to any of the bases there. I would’ve had a far better childhood that way. It was too boring and I never got enough out of my childhood. Dad didn’t let me join Boy Scouts because he thought the counselors were going to mistreat me. He should’ve maybe sat in on some Boy Scout sessions or something and observe. Then if I hated Boy Scouts, then I’d have let him know and he would have gotten me out of it.

I have a novel in progress right now about a planned Second Childhood. I intend to follow exactly how the novel goes when the Holoroom arrives in a few decades. Let’s hope that it arrives in the 2020s if the Technological Singularity is expected to come circa 2030. The main character’s name in this novel is Tanaka. He spends his Spring semester skipping a grade level every two weeks and ending it either in the 2nd week of 8th Grade or the 1st week of being a High School Freshman. After the semester ends, Tanaka enjoys a very rewarding summer, goes to several camps, a great out-of-state vacation, and maybe some extra summer tutoring on the side. Then a few days before school starts in Japan, he flies to Japan either by himself or with a prearranged guardian. Then a relative picks him up and lives in an aunt and uncle’s house (with his cousins.) Tanaka starts Kindergarten again at a Japanese school, and finds Japan more fun and kid-friendly than America.

I want to be Tanaka and I plan to be that boy in the story when the Holoroom arrives in reality. So many responsibilities that I’ll be free from, at last.

In the short term, I am thinking about finding and using anti-aging products. I want to look 10 years and even 13 years younger, and I’m still under 25. Many Americans, Japanese, and most anyone the world over like children better and have more sympathy for them. I want to receive the same kindness that real children receive, so what would happen if I used products to look like a middle-schooler again? I may be treated better in other places, and girls may like me more because I look cuter and so young, but there will be disadvantages too. So what if getting carded is a difficult experience? I don’t buy nor drink alcohol often anyway. If I drive and someone gets suspicious about how old I look, so what? I’ll show them my ID if I need to, and that should show them that I just used products to look younger is all.

I live with a host family in Nagasaki right now and I still have to settle a ~$3,000 bill with the college I’m attending before classes start. I don’t know if my parents have moved the money yet so my worries about paying this off depresses me and makes me think about a childhood where I never had worries as big as this one. Have they followed my directions? Is the $3000 that I promise to pay back to them now in the account? Collect calls might annoy my parents and a $10 phone card only gives me 18 minutes of international talk time, so I hope for some big help here.

I wish I would have come to Japan when I was 8 or so, because once again, it’s such a kid-friendly nation. So many things, some even meant for adults, just overflow most anywhere with kawaii-ness. Another skeleton in my closet is that I prefer kawaii-looking products more than products meant for adults and college students. Seeing any kind of kawaii-ness brightens my day so when I walk past dozens of anything that looks kawaii, I feel so good, I don’t want to go back.

And I really don’t want to go back to America. We are too backwards when comparing Japan. I like it here too much, and I think Korea and China will have quite a lot of kawaii-ness there as well. Back in America, I was “forced” to show masculinity at all times and never show that I have a preference for things children like, that are meant for children, and the like. In Japan, showing your manliness doesn’t seem so mandatory, and I really like that. I can finally let out some more of my inner child here because it has been starving of anything childlike for a long time now. I want to keep living like a Japanese child would until I feel ready for adulthood, and I don’t know if I ever will feel ready. I don’t know how much longer I can put off graduating college but I wish putting off graduating high school (and even middle school) was an option, but things don’t work that way before college.

So what if this is a rant-and-ramble (or whatever it’s called; I want to call it something more positive-sounding) but I needed to get a lot off my chest. You may reply to give suggestions, help, and whatever other counsel you can, because I’m more than happy to share this with some people and learn from you about how to cope better.

I already love it here. I don't want to return. (Personal entry)

Even though some of the few downfalls are a poor exchange rate from the Dollar, everything generally being more expensive, a language barrier, and other unfamiliar routines, these are all temporary. I will adapt in reasonable due time.

I arrived in Japan on the 25th. During my tours around ふくおか, (The Romaji sounds too similar to a cuss word, and its 3-letter IATA airport code would be {one of the} worst profanities in the English language if the C was present.) many places looked so opulent, rustic, elegant, and simply beautiful. I am nowhere near an architecture major but the buildings themselves were the best eye candy I have ever seen.

Moreover, the majority of where I have been in Japan so far is simply overloaded with "kawaii-ness." Even a lot of vehicles themselves look kawaii as well. The numerous "Kei Cars" that I have seen look like they are driven by children.

Although you have to be 18 to drive here (unless you're younger and are lucky enough to have an international license, maybe,) these kei cars show us that many Japanese stubbornly refuse to let go of their inner child left in them. (I refuse to abandon my inner child as well. Some of you may have noticed, others haven't.)

If the American minimum driving age was 10 and the Japanese decided to export their Kei Cars to the US, these would be a resounding hit! I promise you, these Kei Cars look like they are immensely popular with children in an alternate universe! Alas, here only adults drive them of course.

Alleys and other back streets are notoriously narrow, so narrow in fact, if such streets were found often in America, the DOT would put up signs saying only motorcycles, motor scooters, bicycles, and pedestrians are allowed. Cars and even vans and pickups navigate these treacherous streets nevertheless. They are most ideal for kei cars and smaller, however.

Adults do and/or have many things that would be normal for only children to have in the US. We would ridicule, make fun of, pick on, etc. these teens & adults if they took these habits to the US. (Maybe; if they're Japanese in the US, we would just assume those are Japanese habits, because they are. But we would more likely ridicule Americans who have these habits.) Again, the Japanese are fonder of holding on to their inner child, and I really like this quality.

I should have visited Japan earlier in life, like when I was 9-10. Why did Dad have to be transferred to Pennsylvania instead of one of the several US Military bases in Japan? If we had moved to Japan instead, I would have loved my childhood so much more thoroughly. Japan surely is far more child-friendly than America. Going here at the horrendously old age of 20-something makes me regret not coming here earlier. Childhoods spent in Japan are/have been/will be quite a bit more perfect than those spent in the USA.

It is not just the abundant kawaiiness, but what is more available to children in Japan than in America. You see, children as young as 6-7 have their own cellphones here! No, not those simple 5-button ones like the Firefly or LG Migo, but "keitai" with a full button set. They are so privileged because they get to enjoy cutting-edge technology at an earlier age. Most American children have to wait until about middle school to get theirs. (I was more underprivileged; I only got my first cellphone at 18.)

Somehow, these children who are "more spoiled" (in American pejorative parlance) somehow have a genetic predisposition to act more polite, obedient, and friendlier no matter how "spoiled" they may seem. Somehow, if an American kid was given the same amount of privileges, toys, anything concrete or abstract as Japanese kids, their behavior and disposition will soon get bratty.

Their textbooks (kyōkashō) themselves are also kawaii because most of the people shown in them are anime characters. (At least the elementary and maybe a few jr. high textbooks.) Our textbooks never looked exciting enough when we were in elementary school.